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Evo

Evo

Member
Female
Hi Everyone!

I Need help and suggestions.
And mostly your opinion.

My mom live with my siblings (2 sisters and 3 brothers)
I started working in 2017, 2 of my brothers were at university and I was contributing to their fees and pocket money plus sending money monthly to my mom.

I got married in 2020 and got a better job. So I added to what I was previously giving and was buying groceries every two months.

Last year I had a baby and this year I'm expecting to have another one.

I have habe written to my mom to tell her that I wouldn't be able to give her money and buy groceries the way I was doing. I will reduce by 3 the amount I was giving because of increased charges and I need to prepare my kids future.
And my husband has got 3 kids.

My mom got very mad and upset because I wrote instead of calling.
For which I apologised.

3 days later she calls me to say this:
She spoke with my siblings regards my decision and they all don't understand.
The 3 boys just started working and they need to prepare to get their own houses...
My sisters if also they get married so they will just give what I have decided to give?
I am married and working, how can I not help my mom, just giving her such small money.
I am supposed to honor my mom.
There are women who do not work and husbands pay bills and rent houses for their moms.

I have reduced her to that small amount.

My response to all the above was I don't have a comment.

I have been shocked by what she said. And it's not the 1st time she does something like that.

She has 6 kids working, 5 living with her, she has 2 tenants(not paying big amount)

Am I mean, heartless, am I sinning?
Am I wrong. Do I have to help my mom the way she wants me to do?
 
Of the 6, I am the 4th one.
My dad passed away in 2016.
My dad was the bread winner. My mom was a housewife and sometimes doing business.
Now she's not doing anything, living of the rent and the money we give her monthly.

She is always reminding me that she sacrificed for me to be what I am.
Should parents do thay? Isn't their duties to take care and make sacrifices for their children? When parents get old, kids take care of parents.
But should it be the way the parents want? Or the way the child can afford to help the parents?
 
Scripturally I believe men are called to provide for the members of our own household, to include parents who are unable to provide for themselves. In your case it would be up to your husband whether or not to provide for your mother. In the case of provision required by scripture, the requirement is to provide for “needs” not necessarily “wants”. In your case, based on what you stated it doesn’t seem like she has needs. She lives with family so her housing and food is apparently covered and what she receives in rent should cover clothing and medical needs as far as I can tell. Beyond that, I don’t see any biblical requirements for you to give her money unless you just want to. You can still honor your parents without giving them all the money they want. That’s my opinion, which could change if more info was given. I hope it helps. Blessings to you and your family.
 
Evo said:
Of the 6, I am the 4th one.
My dad passed away in 2016.
My dad was the bread winner. My mom was a housewife and sometimes doing business.
Now she's not doing anything, living of the rent and the money we give her monthly.

She is always reminding me that she sacrificed for me to be what I am.
Should parents do thay? Isn't their duties to take care and make sacrifices for their children? When parents get old, kids take care of parents.
But should it be the way the parents want? Or the way the child can afford to help the parents?
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You fall under your husband's authority, not your mother's. It is up to him whether he wants to help your mom.

You can help her if you want to. If your husband wants to help, by all means continue helping, but your first priority is your family (your husband and children).

Do not be made to feel guilty for the amount of help you are providing. It sounds like there is plenty of capable siblings that can help also. I used to feel obligated to help family. I don't anymore. If I am able to and want to, I may provide help to extended family in need.

You mentioned that your father passed. Is your mom looking for a husband to provide for her. Is this realistic for her.

To answer your questions:
She is always reminding me that she sacrificed for me.
That's called a guilt trip. She is trying to guilt you into giving more. Do not be guilted into doing anything.
But should it be the way the parents want?
No. You can take her feelings and opinions into account, but they do not dictate what you do.
Or the way the child can afford to help the parents?
Yes. Priority number one is for your husband to provide for your family, not your mother.
 
Oh that's hard. My mother once called me and when I told her I had just lost my job she hung up and didn't speak to me again until I had money to give her.

We honor our parents by being good people, and that doesn't necessarily mean sacrificing yourself or your family for them.

I helped my brother financially until he graduated college and once he got a decent job I stopped sending him money. So he stopped speaking to me. This family stuff is hard.

I think you have been very good to your family, and the time has come for you to focus on the obligations God has placed in your own household.
 
Asforme&myhouse said:
In your case it would be up to your husband whether or not to provide for your mother.
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NBTX11 said:
You fall under your husband's authority, not your mother's. It is up to him whether he wants to help your mom.
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I’ll see you guys, and raise you one.

Your money is family money.
Your husband’s family.
This is not for you to decide, it’s something that your husband has the final say in.

Having said that, your mother sounds unreasonable. Giving her money may not be the best way to honor her.
 
steve said:
I’ll see you guys, and raise you one.

Your money is family money.
Your husband’s family.
This is not for you to decide, it’s something that your husband has the final say in.

Having said that, your mother sounds unreasonable. Giving her money may not be the best way to honor her.
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You're absolutely right. I guess I was trying to sugar coat it, but it's his family and his money. If he doesn't want to help, then he doesn't need to help. Bottom line. Having said that, a husband is normally going to listen intently to his wife, and take her counsel into account. Or he should.
 
southernphotini said:
Oh that's hard. My mother once called me and when I told her I had just lost my job she hung up and didn't speak to me again until I had money to give her.

I helped my brother financially until he graduated college and once he got a decent job I stopped sending him money. So he stopped speaking to me. This family stuff is hard.
Click to expand...
Oh my. That was very harsh of your mother and brother and wrong. They essentially played the guilt card to get you to give them money. So very wrong. Sometimes family can the harshest and worst when it comes to money. A friend, acquaintance, etc. would not act like this.
 
For them though I am married, I am working.
So I have money and can give more.

Indeed I am working but we manage how we use the money with my husband. We don't separate things.

My family doesn't see things like that, my money is my money and I should do what I want with that.
Because they pay for me to study abroad??

One thing important to know, I'm in Africa and my husband paid dowry to marry me.
Dowry means : the family asked a certain amount plus clothes for the father(father not being there money was given) and the mother's clothes (money was also given)
Added to that the mother receives also "virginity money" though true or not.

Isn't the above a way to honor parents??

Asking for dowry and receiving it, isn't a way for a family to sell its rights over the daughter.

Now the daughter belongs to the husband. The primary family is now the husband and kids.
Decisions are taken by the husband.

I have been contributing without asking how much my siblings were giving.
My siblings living in the same house as my mom and working, want me to contribute the same way(same amount) they know.

My mom doesn't pay tax, she has 2 rents, when she is sick though I send money monthly, I always contribue for medical fees.

What she does with the money? Buying food not only for her but for my 5 siblings who are working plus paying house helpers, electricity and water bills(which is not a big amount).
 
It is consequence of corruption of society by pension system.

In Medieval time is was expected that man at end of his career would have some sort of business. He would function as mentor/capital provider for your men which would provide him with income.

Today, retiremet is seen as never ending consumption. No need to create anything.
 
Evo said:
Now the daughter belongs to the husband. The primary family is now the husband and kids.
Decisions are taken by the husband.
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Absolutely Biblical.
5And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
 
NBTX11 said:
Oh my. That was very harsh of your mother and brother and wrong. They essentially played the guilt card to get you to give them money. So very wrong. Sometimes family can the harshest and worst when it comes to money. A friend, acquaintance, etc. would not act like this.
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Family can also be the hardest on you when you make other decisions that they do not agree with, specifically spiritual ones. Stand strong!
 
NBTX11 said:
Suggest next time they ask you for money to tell them to talk to your husband. Let him decide how much to give them or not.
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That is so simple and so wise. It’s a very different dynamic to go to him.

And a good husband will shoulder that burden and blame if a refusal is necessary.
 
Evo said:
One thing important to know, I'm in Africa and my husband paid dowry to marry me.
Dowry means : the family asked a certain amount plus clothes for the father(father not being there money was given) and the mother's clothes (money was also given)
Added to that the mother receives also "virginity money" though true or not.

Isn't the above a way to honor parents??
Click to expand...

Yes. Historically, and across cultures, that dowry was to make up for the fact the daughter would no longer be contributing to the family financially. Son's took care of the parents but the daughters left the family and they now worked for the interests of the husbands family instead.

In other cultures it was the son's who lived with the parents who took care of them, as they were the ones benefiting from the household/farm assets.

One aspect of this most of us are missing (not being from Africa) is what is the norm in your culture? Biblically though the advice you've been given is spot on.
 
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