Am I crazy for honestly believing that my husband is hindering my spiritual growth by making submission and obedience something that I do or else "consequences" instead of letting me answer to God? He admits that spousal discipline isn't a biblical command but insists on that being a part of our marriage. From my understanding when it says "submit to your husband as unto the Lord" that's making a woman accountable before the Lord for her actions. I don't see anywhere in the Bible that says "make sure your wife submits." He seems to be more concerned with making sure I do everything he considers right or what he wants just as an outward, empty action rather than encouraging me to do it from the heart to please God. Doesn't forcing me defeat the purpose of submitting as unto the Lord? To me I'm not learning anything about submitting as unto the Lord but instead doing things because I don't want consequences. I honestly love the Lord and want to please Him and am really conflicted about this.I'd appreciate any advice or thoughts. Thank you. -God bless.
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Am I crazy?
- Thread starter WhoCanFind31
- Start date
The bible says to obey your husband. How you choose to do that, and your reasons behind it, are yours alone. You can come at it from a place of anger and fear, or you can choose to do it out of willingness to obey, love, and peacefulness. There is peacefulness in it, if you allow yourself to let go.
You're not crazy...just a woman (like all of us). 
Submission is an ongoing learning experience (battle). I stumbled upon a really good youtube channel the other day "April Cassidy." She's got tons of content about submission, respect, etc. Maybe you'd find her videos helpful.
Submission is an ongoing learning experience (battle). I stumbled upon a really good youtube channel the other day "April Cassidy." She's got tons of content about submission, respect, etc. Maybe you'd find her videos helpful.
I don't think you are crazy. I think it would be hard to be forced to do anything, because as people we don't like having to be forced. But I think that feelings could eventually follow actions. What may feel like empty gestures now, may eventually bring you great joy. I've had to do things that felt like empty gestures because it was what was desired for me to do but inwardly I did not want to - it was hard. But I think it was also good for me. Now, since that time has passed and I no longer need to do what I had to do (befriending a lady who might have been a potential) I hope that my heart will change so that if it comes up again I will respond out of joy and love and wanting to, rather than with hardness in my heart. I guess for myself I see it as progress in dying to myself. It was uncomfortable and I did not want to because it's painful. But I don't think the internal turmoil was the important part, the important part was doing what I was told to do even though I did not want it. I think I am still growing in this, and perhaps one day if the Lord brings a similar situation to us, I will be able to die to myself without the internal struggle. Maybe.
And if I had been given the choice to do it when my heart was ready or do it when he wanted me to, I think that I may have never been ready. But now I can look back through that hardship with a little bit of encouragement in myself. I can tell myself I made it through. I did the worst thing that had ever been asked of me, and I did not refuse but submitted the best I could. Which gives me courage that if there is a next time that I may be able to push myself into doing better.
As far as receiving consequences though, I wasn't told I would receive any if I did not obey. I think it would have been displeasing or disappointing but I've never been disciplined with consequences. I only say that because you didn't give a lot of details and I don't know what you are going through and I am leery to leave it sounding like I am condoning anything that I don't have a full understanding on.
And if I had been given the choice to do it when my heart was ready or do it when he wanted me to, I think that I may have never been ready. But now I can look back through that hardship with a little bit of encouragement in myself. I can tell myself I made it through. I did the worst thing that had ever been asked of me, and I did not refuse but submitted the best I could. Which gives me courage that if there is a next time that I may be able to push myself into doing better.
As far as receiving consequences though, I wasn't told I would receive any if I did not obey. I think it would have been displeasing or disappointing but I've never been disciplined with consequences. I only say that because you didn't give a lot of details and I don't know what you are going through and I am leery to leave it sounding like I am condoning anything that I don't have a full understanding on.
As an example, we do not share many of the same conviction like "eating kosher or going out on Saturday sabbath." He started out with a softer approach and told me it was up to me to work it out with the Lord and months later I went kosher out of love for him and conviction in my heart. Out of nowhere now on other issues he's forcing me by saying if I go out on sabbath (because I don't believe I should have to follow legalism as a woman in christ) he says he will take things from me like my phone or put other restrictions on me and if I continue he will eventually start getting rid of my things.
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with me by the way. I'm so thankful for the sisters on here I can share my struggles with and get advice.
How do I choose If I don't really have a choice? If he's threatening me as a rule that if I disobey or make him"feel" disrespected in any way ever he can and will restrict things from me or get rid of things how can I submit as unto the Lord? How can I grow from my failures to do so from the holy spirits conviction?
Well, that would be difficult. If I were in that place, I would prefer the softer method and can see within myself that I would really have to make sure that I wouldn't allow any bitterness to spring forward in my heart if consequences were now being enforced. My advice in this is to do what he says. It is what we are admonished to do, and it would be the path that would bring you both the most happiness down the road. Whether you believe in staying in on the Sabbath or not, only good will come from submitting in this. Either he may have a change of heart and may not enforce staying in on the Sabbath as he is now, or you will end up having changed feelings and enjoy the time staying in. Who knows, maybe staying in on the Sabbath will become the most looked forward part of the week because it will be the time when you both are home together! But if you don't submit, and he does start with the consequences, it will only make it harder. It will give the enemy a place to get a foothold because of the power struggle between you two. I would also suggest that a healthy exercise I've learned with feeling displeased with any given person is instead of dwelling on their faults, to wallow in the things that you do respect about them. Remind yourself of all the wonderful, good things about your husband. Tell yourself that he is only doing this because he thinks that it is for your own good. He cares so much for you in this that he would choose to do something that is painful for you both (because disciplining is hard from my experience with kids anyway) and he is choosing the hard road for your betterment. Remind yourself of all the things that made you fall in love with him and want to marry him. Find the joy in staying home Saturdays. I've also found that it is better for me to ask the Lord to change my husband's mind on whatever thing we not be seeing eye to eye on, rather than me trying to persuade him myself and at the same time praying that the Lord would change my mind on whatever it is if I am the one not seeing it clearly.
Please read my response in the most loving and encouraging voice. For it is out of love and and deep understanding of how hard it is to do what I am writing:
Don't choose and don't dwell on the feelings. Just do. Believe that the Lord is a rewarder of those that diligently seek Him. Seek Him diligently in this struggle. Ask Him to guide you in what you don't want to do. Believe He will bless you for your submission. Believe that your actions of submitting will bring peace and life into your situation. Accept that you don't have a choice, and then try to love it.
You are so welcome and I am happy to try to encourage.
I really appreciate so much of what the ladies here have shared and I can well understand your struggle.
My parents were very relaxed about many aspects of parenting when I was growing up. Specifically I was allowed to ride my horses, or my bike pretty much whenever and wherever I wanted. They didn't worry about me. My hubby was different in this, and wanted to know where I was at all times. I really felt at first like my wings had been clipped! I also liked to go swimming in cold water, but when I asked one day if I could go swimming with his brother's kids he said no. That was super hard for me because I was not used to any restriction of that sort. It might sound like my hubby was being arbitrary, but he had reasons. I was pregnant, the water was cold, it was a seasonal wash that was flowing pretty good from Arizona winter rains. The kids had a ball swimming, and I'd have probably liked it too, but I have never regretted submitting and letting him make that call, and have really learned over the years to value his judgment.
We cannot make our husbands do things, or allow us to do things against their will. If we could my husband would know how to play the accordion with me by now!
But on a more serious note, my parents were and are LDS (mormon). My mom and dad married in the temple for time and all eternity (this was their belief) and in the ceremony my mom covenanted to follow my dad "as he followed the Lord." Fast forward about 12 years and five children. My mom understood that little two letter word "as" to mean that IF my dad was following the Lord she had to follow him, but this caused her to judge him, and question him, and try to change his mind about things. My dad became disrespected in his own home, and after awhile was more like a child in some respects then the man of the house. My parents eventually divorced after 36 years of marriage, and I really believe the issues that undermined their marriage could be traced back to the difference in how they each understood that little two letter word.
I was once willing to leave my husband to do something I felt God wanted my to do. My husband told me that he had the authority to say no and he forbid me to go. I knew this was right, and I stayed.
The reason we have 9 children instead of three, and are happily married today is we both chose to let God and his revealed will trump ours. Obedience is not obedience, and submission is not submission if it is conditional, or the orders need to be approved by the one who got them. Most women willingly married their husbands, and chose to commit to that man. Maybe the man had a different concept of what marriage entails? Maybe some women think that he will woo and persuade her in every aspect? Maybe being told how its going to be is shocking? I know it took me some major adjusting way back when, but I am really glad I changed....or rather was willing to. I really believe the most powerful prayer that can change a heart is the one that says "father God, this is how I am feeling, but I am willing to feel different, please give me understanding so I can see things the way you want me to" that has been at times nothing short of life changing for me.
I am always willing to share more in private message or on the phone if someone wants to talk.
My parents were very relaxed about many aspects of parenting when I was growing up. Specifically I was allowed to ride my horses, or my bike pretty much whenever and wherever I wanted. They didn't worry about me. My hubby was different in this, and wanted to know where I was at all times. I really felt at first like my wings had been clipped! I also liked to go swimming in cold water, but when I asked one day if I could go swimming with his brother's kids he said no. That was super hard for me because I was not used to any restriction of that sort. It might sound like my hubby was being arbitrary, but he had reasons. I was pregnant, the water was cold, it was a seasonal wash that was flowing pretty good from Arizona winter rains. The kids had a ball swimming, and I'd have probably liked it too, but I have never regretted submitting and letting him make that call, and have really learned over the years to value his judgment.
We cannot make our husbands do things, or allow us to do things against their will. If we could my husband would know how to play the accordion with me by now!
But on a more serious note, my parents were and are LDS (mormon). My mom and dad married in the temple for time and all eternity (this was their belief) and in the ceremony my mom covenanted to follow my dad "as he followed the Lord." Fast forward about 12 years and five children. My mom understood that little two letter word "as" to mean that IF my dad was following the Lord she had to follow him, but this caused her to judge him, and question him, and try to change his mind about things. My dad became disrespected in his own home, and after awhile was more like a child in some respects then the man of the house. My parents eventually divorced after 36 years of marriage, and I really believe the issues that undermined their marriage could be traced back to the difference in how they each understood that little two letter word.
I was once willing to leave my husband to do something I felt God wanted my to do. My husband told me that he had the authority to say no and he forbid me to go. I knew this was right, and I stayed.
The reason we have 9 children instead of three, and are happily married today is we both chose to let God and his revealed will trump ours. Obedience is not obedience, and submission is not submission if it is conditional, or the orders need to be approved by the one who got them. Most women willingly married their husbands, and chose to commit to that man. Maybe the man had a different concept of what marriage entails? Maybe some women think that he will woo and persuade her in every aspect? Maybe being told how its going to be is shocking? I know it took me some major adjusting way back when, but I am really glad I changed....or rather was willing to. I really believe the most powerful prayer that can change a heart is the one that says "father God, this is how I am feeling, but I am willing to feel different, please give me understanding so I can see things the way you want me to" that has been at times nothing short of life changing for me.
I am always willing to share more in private message or on the phone if someone wants to talk.
Thank you so much for sharing. Can you PM me your number?
I just did. Looking forward to talking with you.
I am not married so I don't have any advise. But I will be praying for you and your husband. And No! You are not crazy!
Thank you so much!
B
BeingHeld
Guest
Welcome Whocanfind31,
(I posted this a couple of days ago on an old post from you. I didn't realize it was from July of last year..small print! Lol, so I copied and pasted here. I hope you don't mind)
You are definitely in a great place to learn and share. Like FH2 said the families here are in various states of PM. There is a wealth of knowledge, love and support for you.
God has led you here at this time to be with people who truly care and want the best for you.
We've been through what you are going through. We are not here to judge, only love on you.
(I posted this a couple of days ago on an old post from you. I didn't realize it was from July of last year..small print! Lol, so I copied and pasted here. I hope you don't mind)
You are definitely in a great place to learn and share. Like FH2 said the families here are in various states of PM. There is a wealth of knowledge, love and support for you.
God has led you here at this time to be with people who truly care and want the best for you.
We've been through what you are going through. We are not here to judge, only love on you.
Thanks to FollowingHim2 I got redirected to this thread because I'd posted on your year ago post in an attempt to connect--similar to BeingHeld. I hear your heart's cry and sense your frustration and confusion. Please understand that what I say comes from experience, buckets of tears, and a relentless determination to please my Lord who loved me so much that He would die for me, and also a deep desire to do everything I possibly could to secure my home base for my children's sake, for the glory of God, and because I made a vow to my husband before my Lord. You and I are both human--we're not robots. People can push our buttons and pull our strings! God lovingly and graciously gave us a choice in every situation. Sometimes we make the right ones and sometimes the wrong ones. Pinch yourself if you need to remind yourself that you ARE human. Whatever you do, grab hold of some key promises God gave you and me--and don't let go of them no matter how hard it might seem at the moment to deny your flesh all the "rights" you hear yourself clammering to hang onto.
Philp. 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Jer. 33:3 "Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not."
Psalm 37:4,5 "Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."
Psalm 61: 1-4 "Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou has been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy."
You've got to remind yourself that your hubby is NOT the enemy--even though there may be times he looks like it or sounds like it. No, no, dear one. It's old slewfoot himself that is doing everything he can to drive a wedge and destroy one more home. Don't give place to that sly 'ole fox. Fight for your home because it's worth it. Every time he succeeds in causing strife and division between you and your hubby, ole slewfoot dances, claps his hands, and laughs. Remember that God loves both you and your husband. The Lord Jesus so desires for both of you to draw close to each other as you draw closer to Him.
Get desperate before the Lord, get on your face before Him and pour your heart out to Him--there's nothing to small to lay at His feet! Pray for yourself and pray for your husband. God's love for you far surpasses that of your husband's and He desires to see you run to Him for help and to show you the answers you need. Reclaim the ground the enemy has claimed in your home and move forward as you climb this mountain that seems impossible--ON YOUR KNEES. God says, "Prove me, try me." "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee." YOU are loved dear heart. By God's grace you can find 1 thing for which you can honestly thank God for every day. Purpose to start your day that way. All you need is 1 thing to be truly thankful for to earnestly and honestly begin praising the LORD God. THAT act of choice and praise will begin to turn this boat around. It won't happen overnight and it didn't get to this point overnight either. God inhabits the praises of his people. There is power in praise and prayer. Fight this battle against the enemy with those weapons, not your human logic and feelings. You're going to stumble, fail, bite the dust, and sometimes crash in flames. From your knees, get back up and try again, and again, and again. DON'T QUIT. There were more times than I can count that I felt like throwing in the towel, calling it quits, just being done with it. But every time as I went to my Lord in prayer, He'd be throwing the towel right back at me. He'd be pouring in His love, saying "come on, you can do this with my help, but you've got to ask!"
Your struggle is real, your flesh is real, the enemy is real, but praise God, HE is real also. We can be overcomers and abounding in joy as we yield our lives to Jesus which in turn helps us learn to yield to the desires of our husband. Jesus never said it would be easy, but He did say He would be right there with us. I will be praying for you as the Lord God brings you to my heart. Blessings to you dear sister!
Philp. 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Jer. 33:3 "Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not."
Psalm 37:4,5 "Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."
Psalm 61: 1-4 "Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou has been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy."
You've got to remind yourself that your hubby is NOT the enemy--even though there may be times he looks like it or sounds like it.
No, no, dear one. It's old slewfoot himself that is doing everything he can to drive a wedge and destroy one more home. Don't give place to that sly 'ole fox. Fight for your home because it's worth it. Every time he succeeds in causing strife and division between you and your hubby, ole slewfoot dances, claps his hands, and laughs. Remember that God loves both you and your husband. The Lord Jesus so desires for both of you to draw close to each other as you draw closer to Him.Get desperate before the Lord, get on your face before Him and pour your heart out to Him--there's nothing to small to lay at His feet! Pray for yourself and pray for your husband. God's love for you far surpasses that of your husband's and He desires to see you run to Him for help and to show you the answers you need. Reclaim the ground the enemy has claimed in your home and move forward as you climb this mountain that seems impossible--ON YOUR KNEES. God says, "Prove me, try me." "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee." YOU are loved dear heart. By God's grace you can find 1 thing for which you can honestly thank God for every day. Purpose to start your day that way. All you need is 1 thing to be truly thankful for to earnestly and honestly begin praising the LORD God. THAT act of choice and praise will begin to turn this boat around. It won't happen overnight and it didn't get to this point overnight either. God inhabits the praises of his people. There is power in praise and prayer. Fight this battle against the enemy with those weapons, not your human logic and feelings. You're going to stumble, fail, bite the dust, and sometimes crash in flames. From your knees, get back up and try again, and again, and again. DON'T QUIT. There were more times than I can count that I felt like throwing in the towel, calling it quits, just being done with it. But every time as I went to my Lord in prayer, He'd be throwing the towel right back at me. He'd be pouring in His love, saying "come on, you can do this with my help, but you've got to ask!"
Your struggle is real, your flesh is real, the enemy is real, but praise God, HE is real also. We can be overcomers and abounding in joy as we yield our lives to Jesus which in turn helps us learn to yield to the desires of our husband. Jesus never said it would be easy, but He did say He would be right there with us. I will be praying for you as the Lord God brings you to my heart. Blessings to you dear sister!