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MadameBlueberry

MadameBlueberry

New Member
Female
I’m not yet in a polygamous relationship (though very close and we all seem to want it as much as the other) but there’s one aspect that has me concerned.
I would be wife #2 and they both want to keep it secret from at least their three eldest children. The youngest two still at home and the three out of the home are ok to hear about it apparently.
I am struggling a lot with this. I don’t see how I could ever show him physical affection, share nights, go on dates or family events, etc.

Is anyone else in this situation? I don’t see how we could possibly keep it from three teenage girls when living in the same house. I do want to respect their decision but I also see it crumbling at some point and they would find out accidentally.

Any thoughts, please?
 
MadameBlueberry said:
I’m not yet in a polygamous relationship (though very close and we all seem to want it as much as the other) but there’s one aspect that has me concerned.
I would be wife #2 and they both want to keep it secret from at least their three eldest children. The youngest two still at home and the three out of the home are ok to hear about it apparently.
I am struggling a lot with this. I don’t see how I could ever show him physical affection, share nights, go on dates or family events, etc.

Is anyone else in this situation? I don’t see how we could possibly keep it from three teenage girls when living in the same house. I do want to respect their decision but I also see it crumbling at some point and they would find out accidentally.

Any thoughts, please?
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I love Veggie Tales! Can you get the family to join Biblical Families? Maybe we can open up about why they want to keep this secret. I agree with you that this is not a good idea. It is somewhat toxic, to pretend that you are just a family friend. You are going to be his wife, for crying out loud!
 
Daniel DeLuca said:
I love Veggie Tales! Can you get the family to join Biblical Families? Maybe we can open up about why they want to keep this secret. I agree with you that this is not a good idea. It is somewhat toxic, to pretend that you are just a family friend. You are going to be his wife, for crying out loud!
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haha Veggie Tales are great! Glad you noticed it

I can see if he will come on! It is possible. Their major fear is harming their children by telling them their lives are dramatically changing in a way they never imagined and have likely never considered. I totally understand it!
But, if they believe it is a gift from Hod, which they Both say they do, then I don’t understand the fear. Or maybe it’s still too early in time if he especially is not willing to share with his daughters..?
 
My two cents
this is a stepping stone to the future
Do you realistically think you (collectively ) will be able to hide this for an extended time, say years? I don’t think so.
Once your relationship has been established for a time it might be easier for h and sw to “come out”.
It would seem to me it’s more important that you are together in agreement, than you comform to the social standard of “coming out” .
All relationships are different. You don’t have to be the same
“Coming out” is not the most important thing in a relationship
Don’t make this a big deal .....but do talk to each other about it

Ps they probably know their children better than anybody else
Two cents has little value ..feel free to discard any or all of the above
 
The children will know eventually, you cannot keep such a secret in a household. Yes, it will be difficult to tell them - but putting it off can only make it worse. Telling them at the start means they have to understand their life is changing in a way they never expected. But NOT telling them now, and having them find out later, means that they now have to also deal with the fact that their parents lied to them about something incredibly important to their lives, secretly practised something they had always said was sinful - and then still have to understand the same change. Not only does it simply delay the inevitable, it makes the inevitable a whole lot worse when it finally happens because it becomes a serious betrayal of trust, and makes it far MORE likely that they will reject their parents in reaction to the situation.

Imagine what would happen if the first time they find out is when they walk in on you in bed with their father, knowing nothing of the situation beforehand, and believing until that moment that for him to sleep with another woman would be about the worst sin imaginable? I can hardly think of a more disastrous situation to risk happening. They have to be told in some positive fashion, if only to avoid them finding out in a negative fashion.

Your prospective husband and his wife have not realised this is an option for their lives for very long - you said elsewhere only a year. That is not very long at all. So they are still coming to understand this themselves - they have learnt the fact that "the Bible does not condemn polygamy", but are still developing in understanding and wisdom in applying that fact to their lives. This particular issue is a very important one they need to consider far more carefully. They will have to explain this situation to many people over the years, their own children should be the least scary. If they are not ready to have that conversation with their own children, they are unprepared for having that conversation with others also. And that's ok. This all takes time. Just make sure you give them that time, don't push them to move faster than they should.

Do encourage them to sign up to the forum and start talking with us, we'd love to meet them.
MadameBlueberry said:
haha Veggie Tales are great! Glad you noticed it
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From the moment I saw you'd signed up I've been waiting to see how long it will be until you upload your profile picture!
latest
 
Bottom line: THEY ARE FAR FROM READY

Just my opinionated opinion.
 
Wow some very good points made here! I’m perfectly happy to tell people but I’ve been ‘onboard’ for 8 years now anyway. Strangely, it was never a big deal for me. More just ‘yeah, that’s fine. I see no issue with it!’
He is mostly happy for people to know and doesn’t have a problem with it that he’s expressed, but his wife is far less resolved. She says she is more than happy with the idea, but doesn’t want anyone ever finding out. I definitely don’t want to push or try to convince anyone into it in any way! So I guess I’m hanging back and watching to see what happens :)
 
Daniel DeLuca said:
...but the real question is how strong their commitment is to make this work no matter what happens.
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That’s not possible to know until after the fact.
The real problem is that they are letting fear rule. And worse, fear about something that is guaranteed to happen.
 
Time for a family Bible study that he leads... We are a mono family, but when we came to a place that we accepted what God's Word says, we knew eventually the boys would be made aware... better us than an accident or 'well meaning' friend. So, I announced a series based in Tom Shipley's Man and Woman in Biblical Law. Firmed up patriarchy and male leadership at the same time. Best decision in a long time!
 
FollowingHim said:
The children will know eventually, you cannot keep such a secret in a household. Yes, it will be difficult to tell them - but putting it off can only make it worse. Telling them at the start means they have to understand their life is changing in a way they never expected. But NOT telling them now, and having them find out later, means that they now have to also deal with the fact that their parents lied to them about something incredibly important to their lives, secretly practised something they had always said was sinful - and then still have to understand the same change. Not only does it simply delay the inevitable, it makes the inevitable a whole lot worse when it finally happens because it becomes a serious betrayal of trust, and makes it far MORE likely that they will reject their parents in reaction to the situation.

Imagine what would happen if the first time they find out is when they walk in on you in bed with their father, knowing nothing of the situation beforehand, and believing until that moment that for him to sleep with another woman would be about the worst sin imaginable? I can hardly think of a more disastrous situation to risk happening. They have to be told in some positive fashion, if only to avoid them finding out in a negative fashion.

Your prospective husband and his wife have not realised this is an option for their lives for very long - you said elsewhere only a year. That is not very long at all. So they are still coming to understand this themselves - they have learnt the fact that "the Bible does not condemn polygamy", but are still developing in understanding and wisdom in applying that fact to their lives. This particular issue is a very important one they need to consider far more carefully. They will have to explain this situation to many people over the years, their own children should be the least scary. If they are not ready to have that conversation with their own children, they are unprepared for having that conversation with others also. And that's ok. This all takes time. Just make sure you give them that time, don't push them to move faster than they should.

Do encourage them to sign up to the forum and start talking with us, we'd love to meet them.

From the moment I saw you'd signed up I've been waiting to see how long it will be until you upload your profile picture!
latest
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Haha I’ll do that! Thanks And thank you for the comprehensive reply! It really has helped me see sense :)
 
PeteR said:
Time for a family Bible study that he leads... We are a mono family, but when we came to a place that we accepted what God's Word says, we knew eventually the boys would be made aware... better us than an accident or 'well meaning' friend. So, I announced a series based in Tom Shipley's Man and Woman in Biblical Law. Firmed up patriarchy and male leadership at the same time. Best decision in a long time!
Click to expand...

We actually talked last night about how we could possibly go about breaking the news to their kids and decided that a little, slowly, would be ideal. So I think we are going to go the route of ‘unusual topics of the bible’ or the like. I hope it works
 
MadameBlueberry said:
Wow some very good points made here! I’m perfectly happy to tell people but I’ve been ‘onboard’ for 8 years now anyway. Strangely, it was never a big deal for me. More just ‘yeah, that’s fine. I see no issue with it!’
He is mostly happy for people to know and doesn’t have a problem with it that he’s expressed, but his wife is far less resolved. She says she is more than happy with the idea, but doesn’t want anyone ever finding out. I definitely don’t want to push or try to convince anyone into it in any way! So I guess I’m hanging back and watching to see what happens :)
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So it’s ok with her as long as nobody knows?
She is not dealing very well with reality. I would advise that you keep this car in first gear for a very long time. Well beyond the point where she is ready to let others know.
 
MadameBlueberry said:
She says she is more than happy with the idea, but doesn’t want anyone ever finding out.
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She's not ready. Part of her thinks it is, but she's still got some deep seated fear there. That is going to rear it's ugly head at some point, and it will probably take you all by surprise. I agree with Steve, keep it in first gear, don't get in too deep yet, give her time to really get her head wrapped around it all.

Love your profile picture!
 
MadameBlueberry said:
We actually talked last night about how we could possibly go about breaking the news to their kids and decided that a little, slowly, would be ideal. So I think we are going to go the route of ‘unusual topics of the bible’ or the like. I hope it works
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Just start studying through Genesis and the moment you hit Abraham, Sarah and Hagar don't react in horror. Then Jacob, Leah, Rachel, Bilhah and Zilpah.
Or study David's life - everything else, all the important stuff, not his polygamy specifically. But treat the polygamy as matter-of-fact.

My point is that this isn't actually a big deal, and you don't need to specifically try and study it. It's just there, throughout scripture, in almost every major story. It's not a big, scary thing that has to be studied specially and cautiously and made out to be some giant deal. It's just life. Children learn about the Bible and read "Jacob had four wives", and they're just "ok, he had four wives". It's only when someone then adds the indoctrination that four wives are bad that they start reacting negatively to it. The correct approach is not to make a big deal of "indoctrinating" them back in the other direction. It's just to look back at scripture and believe what it says in plain language.

If your focus is "let's get back to scripture, get rid of our church-tradition-glasses and modern-society-glasses, and just read what it actually says", you'll find out all sorts of fascinating things - both you and the children. Polygamy will be just one of them, and probably not the most important. But as not-the-most-important, it will become simply a fact of life that is not something to react to emotively.
 
FollowingHim said:
My point is that this isn't actually a big deal, and you don't need to specifically try and study it. It's just there, throughout scripture, in almost every major story.
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So true... actually in more places than we are even aware. Only brought to fore in most stories when it is an issue germaine to the story line...

Many places I now look at Scripture and read between the lines.... Boaz/Ruth seems semi obvious... probable poly families that are not identified as such include Noah, Jesse (David's father), Joseph and Mary...

But, @FollowingHim you are right.. poly is a minor thread that runs through all of Scripture... any history related Bible study (v. topical) will run into it over and over...
 
FollowingHim said:
Just start studying through Genesis and the moment you hit Abraham, Sarah and Hagar don't react in horror. Then Jacob, Leah, Rachel, Bilhah and Zilpah.
Or study David's life - everything else, all the important stuff, not his polygamy specifically. But treat the polygamy as matter-of-fact.

My point is that this isn't actually a big deal, and you don't need to specifically try and study it. It's just there, throughout scripture, in almost every major story. It's not a big, scary thing that has to be studied specially and cautiously and made out to be some giant deal. It's just life. Children learn about the Bible and read "Jacob had four wives", and they're just "ok, he had four wives". It's only when someone then adds the indoctrination that four wives are bad that they start reacting negatively to it. The correct approach is not to make a big deal of "indoctrinating" them back in the other direction. It's just to look back at scripture and believe what it says in plain language.

If your focus is "let's get back to scripture, get rid of our church-tradition-glasses and modern-society-glasses, and just read what it actually says", you'll find out all sorts of fascinating things - both you and the children. Polygamy will be just one of them, and probably not the most important. But as not-the-most-important, it will become simply a fact of life that is not something to react to emotively.
Click to expand...

I love this. I was raised in church and with the bible under my nose. I think that’s why it was never something I gasped at but took in my stride. Their children have also been raised the same way so I honestly can’t see it being the most awful thing to happen to them...more just a shock for a while then an adjustment period.
 
“If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish. Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is yet a great way off, he sendeth an ambassage, and desireth conditions of peace. So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple. Salt is good: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be seasoned? It is neither fit for the land, nor yet for the dunghill; but men cast it out. He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭14:26-35‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I had never fully understood this passage of scripture until “coming out” polygynous and beginning to walk down this road.... But choosing to live this Biblical family lifestyle can cause many if not all family and friends to disown you... (That’s where the fear is coming from that would cause one to wish to keep polygyny a secret.)
Monogamy only doctrine is truly a sacred IDOL of western culture, specifically of modern western Christianity.

I pray that Adonai helps you folks navigate through the trials that are sure to come with polygyny.
 
Good post, @rustywest4 ... and, in defense of 1st wife referred to in the thread, maybe she is counting the cost but is not yet ready to 'pay the price.'

I know, some years ago (and several times since as reaffirmation) I prayed a simple prayer, 'God, I just want Truth! I don'tcare what it costs.'

Almost immediately, His Word began to open up and the path narrowed considerably. But, I would not trade the struggle for anything. To know Him and His heart is worth FAR more than lost friends, family, etc... knowing what I know now, I'd have prayed that sooner!

May we all be found worthy to stand on truth in the day of the bill collector... regardless the price!
 
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