I need help!

[FollowingHim]

Hmmm who here could do a sermon like that for me?? That’s sounds like an awesome idea!!

Plenty of people here could, depends where you live. If you were over in NZ I'd volunteer, but I'm not flying to the USA for it sorry!

With vows, keep it as simple as possible. Because, vows aren't scriptural. In fact:

Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths:
But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne:
Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.
Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.
But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.

It is possible to spend an enormous time trying to get your vows aligned with scripture, we did it ourselves - and we still got some details wrong in hindsight. The less you swear, the less you get wrong. Ideally, don't swear at all.

However a wedding is obviously a promise to be committed to each other as husband and wife. So make the promise to be simply to be his wife in accordance with scripture, and he can promise to be your husband in accordance with scripture also. That is solid enough to be clear and binding, while flexible enough to accommodate growth in your understanding of what God actually requires of marriage.

 

[FollowingHim]

So I've suggested a bible verse and my thoughts on vows, can't help with music sorry as the hymn books over here are too different to your own and that's down to personal taste.
So I claim the title of being the first person to address all three of your actual questions. I win the race.

 

[FollowingHim]

Right! We have this thing if we get mad we both walk away immediately to cool off. We don’t want to say anything to be hurtful or rude. If we disagree we talk and find a middle ground. If it’s something he strongly believes then I don’t fight him on it. Same for him.

I set a rule right at the start of our marriage that I was always sleeping in the bed, if she didn't want to sleep with me that was her problem, but the bed was mine. There was no question of me sleeping on the couch if we had an argument. I don't know if anybody actually practices that whole "husband sleeping on the couch tonight" thing that pop culture talks about, but I wasn't letting it into my house. Also, we could choose to go for a walk ourselves, but couldn't expect the other to leave to give us space.
I also set an expectation that we would solve any argument before the sun went down (Ephesians 4:26). That was not always achieved, but was a target.
In practical terms, this meant that we managed to work through every problem we had - sometimes with someone going for a long walk to calm down, sometimes with very late-night and tearful discussions - but always managed to solve it before we went to bed, even if that meant going to bed very late. And we always slept together, every single night.
You're going to have arguments, particularly after 6 months to a year of marriage. But if you first set some clear scriptural boundaries to contain those arguments, then they'll never get out of hand and you'll be able to work through everything together and end up stronger at the end of it.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

Hmm. I wonder what the difference is between swearing and making an oath.

I think the oath that Ruth made to Naomi is a good start for you. The requirements in Exodus 21:10 is a good place to start for him. Both of you including some phrase (as Samuel suggested) that your home and relationship is all based upon scripture. And have it all followed up with a blessing for each of you of some kind. I’m thinking like the women’s blessing for Ruth and for him Gods blessing for Jacob.

Just my thoughts in the early morning as I’m heading out the door for the day

 

[JimC]

This is an English version of our Ketubu. Its wording could be used to make vows to each other.


On the ________ day of the week, the t______day of_____, in the year ____, corresponding to the ninth day of Av, in the year 5778, the holy covenant of marriage was entered in _____ , between the groom, ____ , and the bride, ___. The groom, ______, son of ______, said to the bride: “I consecrate you to me as my wife according to the laws of Moses and the traditions of our people. I shall treasure you, nourish you, and respect you as the sons of Israel have devoted themselves to their wives with love and integrity throughout the generations.” The bride, ____, daughter of _______, said to the groom: “I consecrate you to me as my husband according to the laws of Moses and the traditions of our people. I shall treasure you, nourish you, and respect you as the daughters of Israel have devoted themselves to their husbands with love and integrity throughout the generations.” And ______ and _____ pledge together: “We promise to be ever accepting of one another while treasuring each other’s individuality; to comfort and support each other through life’s disappointments and sorrows; to revel and share in each other’s joys and accomplishments; to share our hopes and dreams; to strive for an intimacy that will allow us to accomplish this promise and permit us to become the persons we are yet to be. We vow to establish a home open to all of life’s potential; a home filled with respect for all people; a home based on love, understanding, and the traditions of our heritage. May we live each day as the first, the last, the only day we will have with each other. All of this we take upon ourselves as valid and binding.”

 

[rockfox]

Hmm. I wonder what the difference is between swearing and making an oath.

Verb vs. noun. One is the action, the other is the object of that action. It's all one big concept. More in Matthew 5.

 

[cnystrom]

Lol thank you. What details do you wanna know? He’s sweet. I’m his 3rd wife, but not plural. He was in the army. Both of his wives left him to be with other men. His kids love me. We have never been in an argument. He’s a great leader. He respectful. I’m slowly pulling him more an more towards God. I’m not trying to be pushy with my beliefs. He was raised without religion. If i go to church he goes with me. He listens and asks questions he’s eager to learn about God. It’s amazing.

He sounds like a really great guy and you have him going in the right direction!

I know you have not asked for this kind of advice, but I think it is important enough to say that, personally, I would not marry him until AFTER he commits to becoming a Christian. I am not saying break off the engagement, but perhaps slow it down until you both see things from the same spiritual perspective.

In marriage, in my opinion, it is vital that you look at life, reality, what your purpose is, etc. from the same perspective. As good as things look now, it might be difficult for you later to be married to someone who is not a Christian.

But maybe you are in too deep already? In any case, no matter what happens, my prayers and best wishes to you both.

 

[julieb]

@dixieprincess, I am so glad you have found a man whom you desire to live the rest of your life with. I wish you all good things. But I have to echo @cnystrom 's warning, is it not an important thing to have a husband who can lead you spiritually in your home? Waiting to see if he truly desires to be a Christian and the Priest of his home would seem worth a short period of time in comparison to the lifetime you have to be married. Love and friendship are awesome but living a life of Biblical truths together makes life abundant! Praying you have wisdom in all things.

 

[dixieprincess]

You guys are awesome. I really enjoyed reading all your responses and opinions!!