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Soli Deo Gloria

New Member
Male
Hey everyone, by now many of you have heard where @Mbhs and I have been with all of this. We came to a place where we were truly united in our desire to pursue a relationship with a godly woman who seemed as good a fit as we could ask for. We do not know her well but she's a mutual connection and she is a strong believer. She was in a tenuous marriage for several years that ended in divorce a year and a half ago. She has had no exposure that we know of to the idea of polygyny and she's long distance so my wife opened the door to talking with her and asking how she was doing, and offered to pray for her. She immediately spilled her heart to my wife, her struggles with the divorce (her husband abandoned the faith and her), and her desire to find a godly man without having to compromise her standards for him. This alone felt like a sort of confirmation for us to proceed with opening the door. We didn't want to lead her on and so I got involved in the conversation a couple days later. I expressed my sadness for her situation and said that several months ago I had reached out to her former husband (I know him a little) and tried to get an idea as to whether there was any current hope that he was being convicted to return to Christ (there most definitely wasn't), because we all acknowledge that in a perfect world he would return to his family and take his position as the spiritual leader in the home. At this point I said that there was a definitive reason that my wife and I had contacted her, to which she acknowledged it did not seem to her that it was out of nowhere and that she was beginning to feel suspense at where I was going with the conversation (I believe she was thinking that I was going to offer to introduce her to a godly single man as a potential). My wife and I didn't want to lead her on, which is why we decided to just be open about our intentions with talking to her. I told her about the belief that we had come to on this issue, the work we had felt the Holy Spirit do in our hearts to bring us to where we were at, and that she had always been on our hearts and minds because of her experience and what we felt would have been great compatibility. I told her that I'm sure it was shocking and a lot to take in, that we didn't expect her to have any response right away and that we wanted her to take some time to seriously consider it and pray for the Lord's guidance on the issue. As soon as I sent the last message to her, she removed herself from our conversation without any response and proceeded to block us from any way of communicating with her.

While I can't say that in hindsight I'm shocked that she would respond in that way, there's still a sting of the complete severing of communication. She is connected to our social circles enough that we have no idea if she will start talking to people we know about it, or what she'll do. We felt confident that this is what we wanted to pursue, and her specifically. We knew that it was a long shot, and we know now that anything could happen, but for all of the work and sacrifice it took to get here and genuinely want this (specifically on my wife's end), and all of the confirmations we felt we had leading up to this from the Holy Spirit, it feels strange for it to end so abruptly and without any verbal reaction at all. It's only been 24 hours since it happened, so it's all very raw right now. My wife was about to share her heart with this woman when she slammed the proverbial door, so she's especially feeling a hurt that she wasn't able to express that. I guess my point in all of this is just to give an update to those who have been following our journey in other threads, and to ask for prayer for us and her. We trust that she loves Jesus and that she will seek Him regardless of whether it's about this topic or not. This morning as I read scripture I read Psalm 20, and it felt like it was for us in that moment:

1 May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble!
May the name of the God of Jacob protect you!
2 May he send you help from the sanctuary
and give you support from Zion!
3 May he remember all your offerings
and regard with favor your burnt sacrifices! Selah
4 May he grant you your heart's desire
and fulfill all your plans!
5 May we shout for joy over your salvation,
and in the name of our God set up our banners!
May the Lord fulfill all your petitions!

This certainly feels like a day of trouble due to the circumstances, and we're praying that He will remember our offerings and sacrifices that have led us to the place we're at in all of this, and grant our hearts desire to establish a relationship with this woman. Your prayers to that end, or whatever end God has for us in all of this would be appreciated.
 
I'm sorry. That sounds very difficult for you all. It sounds like she has reacted very quickly out of fear. That attitude may not be something that you wanted in your family, it will be something she needs to work through herself.

Your wife is going to find this very difficult going forward, because she had in her head the plan for this specific woman. So when that woman isn't a happening thing, it makes PM all the more difficult. She will probably go back and forth for a bit with her desire for it. Love her, hold her, lead her, and keep her focused on the fact that God is in charge and things will happen according to His will, even if we don't understand what that is.
 
I’m sorry, but this is all too common.
We see a scenario that seems custom designed for all concerned, but it falls through for some reason. Generally fear.
You threw her a lifesaver, but no one (not even Yah) can make her latch onto it. Maybe she will come around with prayer, but don’t hold your breath. She will very likely talk to her friends about it and they will all be aghast at what a crazy idea it would be.

Sometimes these scenarios are set up by Yah, but the enemy hates and fears the concept and will do everything in his power to destroy the possibility.
 
Sad and upsetting
But I’d say you played a long game to short
I don’t mean to be harsh
I really want to hear more stories that are successful but
Stop and put yourself into her shoes
Dealing with the past just spilled out of her..she has need ..is alone in this
Some lovely people came and helped in a time of need and then they suggested a threesome! arrrhhhh run
All a bit overwhelming
It’s probably not that bad , and you don’t know what god will do behind the scenes
It may not be over
Who knows

Sometimes the most valuable lessons we learn are from the losses we suffer
Hold your wife close . Keep talking
 
I have to agree with @MrB. Don't blame her for this - the reaction is completely understandable. But also don't blame yourselves too much either - it's an incredibly difficult issue to know how to broach with anybody. All of us have made misjudgements in when and how to raise topics in our lives. The fact it is difficult is simply the sad reality of life in Western culture.

At this stage, this is the best advice:
FollowingHim2 said:
Your wife is going to find this very difficult going forward, because she had in her head the plan for this specific woman. So when that woman isn't a happening thing, it makes PM all the more difficult. She will probably go back and forth for a bit with her desire for it. Love her, hold her, lead her, and keep her focused on the fact that God is in charge and things will happen according to His will, even if we don't understand what that is.
Click to expand...
 
MrB said:
Sad and upsetting
But I’d say you played a long game to short
I don’t mean to be harsh
Click to expand...

I don't think you're being harsh. I was expecting to hear that, and you may be right. This was the difficulty for us - we didn't want to let our conversation go very long before being honest about our intentions because we didn't want to lead her on for a long time just to get her hopes up that we had someone in mind for her. She knew something was up for us to contact her out of the blue like that, and it felt dishonest to pour into her and have her be spilling her guts to us for a long time just to hit her with this... It's hard to know exactly what we should have done, but we did pray hard and had peace about breaking it to her in the way we did. You're right, we don't know what will happen, who she's talking to, if anyone will contact us in response to all of this, etc. I guess we'll wait and see, and trust the Lord.
 
The good thing is that you played it as clean as you possibly could. You were not manipulative.
 
Many, many people have a knee-jerk reaction when poly is introduced. Trust Yah and pray for His will... this woman is in His hands and He can work in her heart....

That said, your first priority is your wife. Bind up her wounds and be her shelter.
 
FollowingHim said:
it's an incredibly difficult issue to know how to broach with anybody. All of us have made misjudgements in when and how to raise topics in our lives. The fact it is difficult is simply the sad reality of life in Western culture.
Click to expand...

So, how is the best way to raise this topic with people? There must be some way as a few of you have managed to marry second wives.
 
rockfox said:
So, how is the best way to raise this topic with people? There must be some way as a few of you have managed to marry second wives.
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For me, I started to teach the Bible and was challenged about my own understanding of polygamy. I kept teaching and ended up with the woman wanting to be my wife and me wanting to have her as my wife. It's easy to raise the subject if you are teaching a Bible study and I've included teaching about polygamy in subsequent study groups.
 
In a world in which so much prejudice and refusal to consider alternatives-to-conformity exists, introducing this idea is inherently an uphill battle. I commend you, @Poly Deo Gloria and @Mbhs, for having had the courage to transparently, straightforwardly present yourself to this potential partner. The courage was in the fact that you took a risk; if it had been a sure thing, no courage would have been necessary, but you stepped up to the experience.

Now you're a bit seasoned, and the challenge will be to maximize the extent to which it's a learning experience for both of you, as well as the important of all that holding each other close stuff mentioned by others.

You are not alone. Many among this band of polygyny warriors has known the sting of multiple heartbreaks.
 
frederick said:
For me, I started to teach the Bible and was challenged about my own understanding of polygamy. I kept teaching and ended up with the woman wanting to be my wife and me wanting to have her as my wife. It's easy to raise the subject if you are teaching a Bible study and I've included teaching about polygamy in subsequent study groups.
Click to expand...

Sir Fredrick is all like “If you teach it, they will come my son!” Lol :cool:

#BossStatus
#SirFredrickTheGreat
 
@rockfox , while there are probably as many ways as people and situations, I do think @frederick is on to something... If we want (at least prefer) Godly women and we want to 'advertise' our position, then itt behooves us as men to step out and be bold with the material and information! I.e.' social media/culture warrior.

I did NOT start 113Restoration.com as a way to attract attention, but it has done just that. Over time, I expect it will attract much more. Doing similar or posting some articles from there onto social media feeds and then interacting with the material and commenters helps to 'advertise' while speaking truth boldly to the culture around. Further, commenting directly on that or similar blogs is a way to carry the message broader than just this forum and make a difference in culture.

The fact is, we have to find ways outside of our four virtual walls and make noise in the world... I believe, @rustywest4 is right, 'If you teach it, they will come.'
 
Poly Deo Gloria said:
I don't think you're being harsh. I was expecting to hear that, and you may be right. This was the difficulty for us - we didn't want to let our conversation go very long before being honest about our intentions because we didn't want to lead her on for a long time just to get her hopes up that we had someone in mind for her. She knew something was up for us to contact her out of the blue like that, and it felt dishonest to pour into her and have her be spilling her guts to us for a long time just to hit her with this... It's hard to know exactly what we should have done, but we did pray hard and had peace about breaking it to her in the way we did. You're right, we don't know what will happen, who she's talking to, if anyone will contact us in response to all of this, etc. I guess we'll wait and see, and trust the Lord.
Click to expand...

Don't beat yourself up over it. There is no one right way, and there is no way to know in advance is path A would have been better than path B. You take your best shot and take your chances and leave the rest to God.

While her response may feel harsh you were faithful to God in doing what is right and being honest and upfront. We have no idea what the Holy Spirit will do with this, whether working on her heart, or her doing or saying something in the future about it that opens up some other door, somewhere else.

If nothing else, it has strengthened you and your wife's relationship and faith.

It is not easy, but few really worthy things are.

Best wishes, and may God continue to bless you.
 
rockfox said:
So, how is the best way to raise this topic with people? There must be some way as a few of you have managed to marry second wives.
Click to expand...

Although I have not married a second wife, what I have done to make people aware is, I've shared a lot of the memes that can be found on this forum and it has opened up a door for discussion not completely positive but also not completely negative either.
 
PeteR said:
@rockfox , while there are probably as many ways as people and situations, I do think @frederick is on to something... If we want (at least prefer) Godly women and we want to 'advertise' our position, then itt behooves us as men to step out and be bold with the material and information! I.e.' social media/culture warrior.

I did NOT start 113Restoration.com as a way to attract attention, but it has done just that. Over time, I expect it will attract much more. Doing similar or posting some articles from there onto social media feeds and then interacting with the material and commenters helps to 'advertise' while speaking truth boldly to the culture around. Further, commenting directly on that or similar blogs is a way to carry the message broader than just this forum and make a difference in culture.

The fact is, we have to find ways outside of our four virtual walls and make noise in the world... I believe, @rustywest4 is right, 'If you teach it, they will come.'
Click to expand...

I've been thinking about sharing different articles and studies on my Facebook page and if you don't mind I can share some of yours which would have a direct link to your stuff.

I don't think BF would have a problem with it because it will bring people to this forum.

What's says everyone?
 
Feel free to share anything. This is a conversation we need to draw onto center stage... And, public perception is that one kook is a kook. Two kooks just might have something... Start parading lots of similar articles by a variety of authors and voices and they have to start paying attention!
 
rustywest4 said:
Sir Fredrick is all like “If you teach it, they will come my son!” Lol :cool:

#BossStatus
#SirFredrickTheGreat
Click to expand...
I actually like this! My honey loves to teach and get into lots of controversial disscussion when we have guests over. Stuff to think outside the box. Women always tell me in a certain way that they are intrigued by my husband that way. (And if Scoops is reading this he may need a needle to the head right now. ) But they are usually over hearing him talk to their own husbands. If they weren't already married I have a feeling they would definitely give him "the eye". So I ask Scoops whenever we may have a potential person, he needs to be on his "A game". Lol. Start doing what he does best. Teach baby! Teach!!
 
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