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Vexation
- Thread starter Happyhen
- Start date
I certainly don't feel vexed by my husband choosing a second. I feel blessed!
I think if you have accepted polygamy in your heart, love him and love the girl he chooses it wouldn't be a vexation.
I think there is a difference if a husband is choosing to bring in another wife to intentionally be a vexation to his existing wife - that isn’t kind - vs if she perceives his actions as being a vexation.
However, I do think a husband taking a second wife and having it not feel like a vexation to the first wife is harder for some than others. Even with the best efforts to accept it, plural can still bring up a pain and unsettling in my heart like nothing else I’ve experienced in life.
Why? Maybe it’s like how some women are naturally great mothers while others have to work harder at just being a decent mom. Likewise, some first wives are like @Joleneakamama and truly desired plural while others struggle with accepting it and have to actively choose to submit and walk in obedience even when it hurts.
However, I do think a husband taking a second wife and having it not feel like a vexation to the first wife is harder for some than others. Even with the best efforts to accept it, plural can still bring up a pain and unsettling in my heart like nothing else I’ve experienced in life.
Why? Maybe it’s like how some women are naturally great mothers while others have to work harder at just being a decent mom. Likewise, some first wives are like @Joleneakamama and truly desired plural while others struggle with accepting it and have to actively choose to submit and walk in obedience even when it hurts.
If your husband is wise and takes the time to help lay a good foundation between you and a potential wife, things go much better in the beginning. Taking the time to build a good friendship with her makes all the difference in having patience, empathy and trust in her, and your husband. But as @WifeOfHisYouth said, there will most likely be moments of insecurity/fear/vexation in the beginning as God is maturing you.
You shouldn't become a "Stepford wife" during the courting of a potential by any means, be honest with yourself and your husband about how you feel but with respect and self-control. Walking in trust isn't always easy but hopefully you will see what your husband sees and what God sees in this lady as you do your part to build a friendship. And if it doesn't work out then you have exercised your trust muscle for the next time!
You shouldn't become a "Stepford wife" during the courting of a potential by any means, be honest with yourself and your husband about how you feel but with respect and self-control. Walking in trust isn't always easy but hopefully you will see what your husband sees and what God sees in this lady as you do your part to build a friendship. And if it doesn't work out then you have exercised your trust muscle for the next time!
So, I may not be the right person to comment on this because I was the "new wife," and also I don't know what Americans consider acceptable to discuss, so forgive me. But... if I'd been my Husband's first wife I'd have honestly been relieved to hear "dorogaya, I'm taking a second woman." My Husband has... let's say a "ravenous appetite for the pleasure only a woman can give," and I think I'd be intimidated, and more than a little bit exhausted, if I had to keep my Husband happy all by myself.
It's also nice to be able to say "honey, I need some time to myself" without feeling like I'm shooting him down. When you're monogamous, if he is lonely and you need space, you have to put aside your own needs and please your Husband. With another wife, I can say the same thing and my Husband smiles, kisses me once and goes to spend time with one of my sister wives.
It's also nice to be able to say "honey, I need some time to myself" without feeling like I'm shooting him down. When you're monogamous, if he is lonely and you need space, you have to put aside your own needs and please your Husband. With another wife, I can say the same thing and my Husband smiles, kisses me once and goes to spend time with one of my sister wives.
@His_Sofochka it is good to know you have this attitude, one that sees the benefit of several wives to a husband, and benefits for a wife. I do hope you will keep this attitude if your husband ever marries a third wife. The original poster is a first wife and is wrestling with only seeing the things she perceives as losses, due to another wife coming in to the family. She is working out what that looks and feels like for her and wanted to hear how others have dealt with it.