Off-Grid Artist
Member
My wife and I have an elderly female friend. Let's call her Yan. She's a doll. She has always treated us like children since we met her about five years ago.
She's a very strong believer. Like us, she leans pretty hard into Torah observance, but that doesn't seem relevant to this discussion.
She is 61. I don't know how many times she has been married, but it is at least four times. My wife seems to think it may have been six times.
She describes herself as being raised in an aggressively feminist Seattle home.
Recently over the last year she has again divorced and is feeling pretty low. She has been through a series of interpersonal dramas and betrayals. I don't think her kids talk to her. Her female "best friend" ripped her off to the tune of $10,000 during the divorce - while offering her a shoulder to cry on. She's gone from living on a farm married with a huge amount of livestock to living in a small town apartment trying to heal from dramatic back surgery and trying to work through immense baggage.
This baggage is significant and goes back to a lot of sexual abuse as a child. She was first pregnant around 12 if I remember right.
We finally got to catch up on life with her last week now that she has gotten a bit rooted.
In an unexpected turn, we very quickly started discussing Biblical polygyny and God's hierarchy. We talked about patriarchy.
She was incredibly open to the discussion. In fact she seemed to process the entire idea and move beyond "this isn't fair to women" and "men are treated better than women" very quickly.
We talked about a lot of her past relationships and what went wrong. Her longest relationship was the second marriage, which lasted 22 years. Apparently that husband had found a younger woman (young 20s) and gotten her pregnant, so Yan divorced him and "forced him" to marry the young girl.
We suggested - what would have happened if you both just moved the young woman in with you and welcomed her as part of the family? She was flabbergasted but accepted the premise.
There was a lot of this kind of discussion. Honestly I'm shocked the whole talk came about. She stated that she's reexamining her entire view on men and how that she is now understanding just how feminist she has lived her life.
At one point I mentioned a younger woman and she briefly resorted to "even good men are just pigs." My wife chastised her and good her that I am designed to think that way and be preoccupied with how to grow my family. She accepted this new frame pretty fast when my wife was refusing to feed the old thinking.
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The situation as it is right now, and the only reason I bring this topic up, is because she is hurting. She is fully determined to jump right back into a relationship.
I have counseled going full "monk mode" for at least a year. Heal from the surgery. Heal from the recent trauma. Find a strong spiritual mentor who has healed from childhood trauma and who can help guide her through.
Her urgency is because she "needs a husband every day." The most recent marriage ended primarily because her husband was withholding sexual attention from her.
Some of that I suspect is a result of the childhood trauma. It is normal for an abuse victim to confuse sex with love. That's probably how some of these bad relationships started, too.
What are the prospects of the older lonely woman with baggage? I shared with her that my grandfather remarried in his late 80s to a woman in her 70s, so in my view her chances are just fine. Right now the goal should be fixing all the old problems and praying daily for God to renew her spirit and help her to start fresh with a reborn heart.
We are likely to be spending a lot of Sabbath nights working with her over the next year. Open to all suggestions but especially the suggestions of women. Thanks.
She's a very strong believer. Like us, she leans pretty hard into Torah observance, but that doesn't seem relevant to this discussion.
She is 61. I don't know how many times she has been married, but it is at least four times. My wife seems to think it may have been six times.
She describes herself as being raised in an aggressively feminist Seattle home.
Recently over the last year she has again divorced and is feeling pretty low. She has been through a series of interpersonal dramas and betrayals. I don't think her kids talk to her. Her female "best friend" ripped her off to the tune of $10,000 during the divorce - while offering her a shoulder to cry on. She's gone from living on a farm married with a huge amount of livestock to living in a small town apartment trying to heal from dramatic back surgery and trying to work through immense baggage.
This baggage is significant and goes back to a lot of sexual abuse as a child. She was first pregnant around 12 if I remember right.
We finally got to catch up on life with her last week now that she has gotten a bit rooted.
In an unexpected turn, we very quickly started discussing Biblical polygyny and God's hierarchy. We talked about patriarchy.
She was incredibly open to the discussion. In fact she seemed to process the entire idea and move beyond "this isn't fair to women" and "men are treated better than women" very quickly.
We talked about a lot of her past relationships and what went wrong. Her longest relationship was the second marriage, which lasted 22 years. Apparently that husband had found a younger woman (young 20s) and gotten her pregnant, so Yan divorced him and "forced him" to marry the young girl.
We suggested - what would have happened if you both just moved the young woman in with you and welcomed her as part of the family? She was flabbergasted but accepted the premise.
There was a lot of this kind of discussion. Honestly I'm shocked the whole talk came about. She stated that she's reexamining her entire view on men and how that she is now understanding just how feminist she has lived her life.
At one point I mentioned a younger woman and she briefly resorted to "even good men are just pigs." My wife chastised her and good her that I am designed to think that way and be preoccupied with how to grow my family. She accepted this new frame pretty fast when my wife was refusing to feed the old thinking.
------
The situation as it is right now, and the only reason I bring this topic up, is because she is hurting. She is fully determined to jump right back into a relationship.
I have counseled going full "monk mode" for at least a year. Heal from the surgery. Heal from the recent trauma. Find a strong spiritual mentor who has healed from childhood trauma and who can help guide her through.
Her urgency is because she "needs a husband every day." The most recent marriage ended primarily because her husband was withholding sexual attention from her.
Some of that I suspect is a result of the childhood trauma. It is normal for an abuse victim to confuse sex with love. That's probably how some of these bad relationships started, too.
What are the prospects of the older lonely woman with baggage? I shared with her that my grandfather remarried in his late 80s to a woman in her 70s, so in my view her chances are just fine. Right now the goal should be fixing all the old problems and praying daily for God to renew her spirit and help her to start fresh with a reborn heart.
We are likely to be spending a lot of Sabbath nights working with her over the next year. Open to all suggestions but especially the suggestions of women. Thanks.
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