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FW denies sex to husband after SW comes

NewBeginning

NewBeginning

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What to do if the FW, who was at first consenting (maybe she was hiding her true intents to an extent) and that now a second entered the husband's bosom, seem to have resentment and now has stopped sex with her husband saying she is dealing with an emotional wound when she saw some wedding photos of the SW.

Is having therapy and/or sexologist could help?

My feeling is that she needs to better understand scripture, gender roles, be humble and submit to God trough her husband.
 
So I will speak from a woman’s perspective. First, Pete Rambo addressed something like this about physical intimacy being withheld. He needs to spend time with her cuddling her not asking her for sex and letting her know this woman is a wife as well. How much do you want to save the marriage? Also, how long has she been withholding?

How well did he prepare the wife for the introduction of this woman? Personally, I would only seek counsel from someone who is understanding of Scripture and is living this and had to go through the emotions and all the feelings that go along with this. If they haven’t walked this out they will be hard pressed to understand this.

Going and beating her down with Scripture isn’t going to solve things either as that’s never usually the right approach.
 
NewBeginning said:
What to do if the FW, who was at first consenting
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Consenting is consenting, but that does not equate to prepared for a reality most of us have never been exposed to in a personal way.
I ran into all kinds of questions and insecurities. Another wife changes everything. Husbands like to share, but telling your first wife about your new wife is not something I would recommend. I suggest telling your first what you appreciate about her....and listening. Feeling like you are an outsider to his new relationship can happen. The husband now has another relationship to nurture and protect....but if the first feels like she is excluded or perceived as a threat or problem it will mess with her sense of security in her marriage.
In short, there is just a lot to adjust to.
reading the enneagram info on how our personalities are in relationship to each other was helpful for me. I found out that my sw and I can start "respecting boundaries that the other did not intend to put up" and that did seem to be something that was happening. So you might find some stuff to help you all understand each other and talk about there.
How long has it been since you added the second wife?
NewBeginning said:
seem to have resentment and now has stopped sex with her husband
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Stopping and withholding is not biblical...or good. That indicates there are issues that need to be resolved.
NewBeginning said:
dealing with an emotional wound when she saw some wedding photos of the SW.
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Wasn't she at the wedding? I don't understand this. There wasn't a wedding here, but I like the pictures from their engagement day....and I like them displayed in our home.
If your first wife would like to talk with me I can communicate with her off of the forum if she prefers. I can be a listening ear as a first wife... if she needs someone to talk to.
 
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NewBeginning said:
Is having therapy and/or sexologist could help?
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No! The Word of God is clear, it's the older women who are to admonish the younger women to love their husbands... (Titus 2:3-4). I'd encourage you and your wife to have a good look into the Greek word translated 'admonish' as it has more to it than it appears.

Joleneakamama said:
If your first wife would like to talk with me I can communicate with her off of the forum if she prefers. I can be a listening ear as a first wife... if she needs someone to talk to.
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Take this ^^^ opportunity. Jolene knows this journey.
 
NewBeginning said:
What to do if the FW, who was at first consenting (maybe she was hiding her true intents to an extent) and that now a second entered the husband's bosom, seem to have resentment and now has stopped sex with her husband saying she is dealing with an emotional wound when she saw some wedding photos of the SW.

Is having therapy and/or sexologist could help?

My feeling is that she needs to better understand scripture, gender roles, be humble and submit to God trough her husband.
Click to expand...

It sure seems like this strategy should have lost a lot of its effectiveness…..
 
Joleneakamama said:
reading the enneagram info on how our personalities are in relationship to each other was helpful for me. I found out that my sw and I can start "respecting boundaries that the other did not intend to put up" and that did seem to be something that was happening.
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I also think this is an interesting subject but would appreciate more clarification on what it means to you @Joleneakamama. How is it worked out in practical daily life? If you are interested/willing to talk about it, then let's start a new thread for it.
 
Here is a link to last year's thread about it for those interested.

Joleneakamama

Thread 'The absolute best...PERSONALITY TEST!'

Big topic line again. ..and that is my honest opinion.... but I welcome other opinions on this information.

Years ago people here were doing a different personality type test that was nowhere near as accurate as this is.

This information can help you better understand yourself and others.

A cousin learned about the Enneagram from a minister's wife who taught it and felt it went along with the teaching about the body of Christ having different members. Her belief was that YHWH created people with all personality types for His purposes and all types are needed for society...and the body...
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NewBeginning said:
What to do if the FW, who was at first consenting (maybe she was hiding her true intents to an extent)
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Again, consenting to something as new and unknown as this is like signing a blank check, or agreeing to build a house before you have seen the plans. There are aspects that you don't feel like you consented to, because you had no idea it would be a thing.

Basically you are ALL in very new territory learning how this new dynamic works and there are new relationships to build, and adjustments being made to existing ones.

My dear husband is back to thinking about provision for a family under his care and roof that is still expanding. Retirement moves out further when you go back to little ones.

Each marriage is a mix of two family "cultures" and integrating a third adds a whole new element to what you had.
 
UtahLife said:
Respect her choice, not doing so would be rape.
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That is the legal answer and I would agree. But, for a solution to the issue, it is going to come in the form of investigatory conversations about what her mental hangup is. If this is simply a biblical issue on her part then teach her the word of God! Otherwise, this is not easy as it will be dealing with her feelings and not based on any facts (usually). As a man, you will have to figure out how to make her "feel" that she wants you.

She will NOT be able to tell you what it will take. She will not know the answer to this herself. It is vital that you do not try to appease her as you go through this process or she will lose respect for you and the situation will retard even further than it is now.

A woman wants to see her husband is firm, kind, logical and purposeful. The conversations are not really to figure her out although, there may be some breakthrough there, they are to demonstrate these traits to her as you discuss the situation. Through your kindly conversations that are firmly based on your foundational truths, she will likely come around and you will once again have a submissive wife.

If she refuses to engage in the conversations, then you can begin to correct her. This should be done in a matter of fact way that informs her that you want peace between the two of you. That you want intimacy between the two of you. That you are willing to have conversations to get to that point but until she is willing to follow your lead, you will not be pretending that all is well between the two of you.

Then begin to remove her "service" from your day to day. If she makes you coffee, make your own or have your other wife do it. And continue these types of things, slowly escalating the number of things you remove. If she loves you, she will not want to lose the opportunity to serve you.
This is an effective correction for someone that loves you. If she does not, she may relish the freedom and sadly, you may need to make her freedom official via a divorce. DO NOT RUSH the process. If you love her, you should be seeking to have the conversation that restores the relationship back to it's proper order.

I pray that this blesses your relationships!
 
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