Support Should I get another wife?

[bfoster]

Hi guys, I've been reading this forums for a few months, and I tought I could share my concern in here.
I've been in a relationship for 5+ years. We live together but we are not really married (altough I use to call her my wife). My mother-in-law lives with us.
We're both 28 years old, no children yet, and we're great partners.
We have, yet slowly, been learning about the Bible and trying to approach to God/YHWH.


For 9 months now, a distant relative of my wife came to live with us. I already knew her, and we all supported her into breaking up from an abusive homossexual relationship she was in for 5 years. She and my wife are very close, and I also became friends with her. We 3 share many things together, we go out, we have fun at home. We did this things even before her breakup.
We even joke they're my two wives, and we're sure there are some people who actually believes we're all engaged. My wife doesn't bother with the jokes or demonstrate jealousy, and the other girl doesn't seem to want to engage in a new relationship.

So, this plural families thing came to my mind. My question is, if you could help: should I think about engaging with the second woman? Should I propose this to them, and get serious about this and learn and try to apply it on our lives? I have to mention that honestly I'm not in love with the second one, and I never wanted to cheat on my wife.
Thank you in advance, and sorry for my bad English.

 

[FollowingHim2]

We live together but we are not really married (altough I use to call her my wife)

You are married. She is your wife. Marriage is not about getting a bit of paper form the government. That part is actually irrelevant.

Before thinking about plural marriage, make sure you have a good base in other areas. So, firstly, make sure that you and your wife understand that you ARE married and are committed for life no matter what. This base is going to be incredibly important later on, trust me on that.

Secondly, you say that you're learning about God. That is a wonderful thing! Where is your wife at with her relationship with God? And what about the other woman? You and your wife at least need to be on the same ground here, otherwise it's going to be a conflict later.

 

[bfoster]

You are married. She is your wife. Marriage is not about getting a bit of paper form the government. That part is actually irrelevant.

I felt the need to explain our status, but I already think like you said on this subject. We both understand and agree marriage is for life.

Secondly, you say that you're learning about God. That is a wonderful thing! Where is your wife at with her relationship with God? And what about the other woman?

I'm the one ahead, and my wife follows me but she's behind me. The other one did biblical studies much less than us two.
About poligamy in particular, me and my wife have studied the subject but never talked serious about this.

 

[FollowingHim2]

I felt the need to explain our status, but I already think like you said on this subject. We both understand and agree marriage is for life.

Great!

m the one ahead, and my wife follows me but she's behind me. The other one did biblical studies much less than us two.
About poligamy in particular, me and my wife have studied the subject but never talked serious about this.

It's totally fine for your wife to be following you, as long as she is not too far behind.
It sounds like there's a bit to do before plural marriage should be thought about. Firstly, talking about this with your wife. There is a difference between understanding that it is biblical or ok for others, and possibly doing it yourselves. This may be a big thing that she takes a while to get her head wrapped around.
Secondly, make sure the other woman is serious about Christianity. Not just for the possibility of becoming part of your family, but because that is important anyway.

Having been on this website a long time, and seen the same thing time and time again, I will give you some advice. There is no need to jump into polygyny just because it's ok. Do not rush it. Take it super slow. Do not think you have to marry this other woman just because you're helping her and it would seem to fit. If she is not interested, and you are not really interested in her, then it isn't something that you necessarily need to pursue. Getting your wife on board with PM and this other woman certain about salvation are important things regardless of whether you ever get another wife.

 

[Joleneakamama]

My wife doesn't bother with the jokes or demonstrate jealousy, and the other girl doesn't seem to want to engage in a new relationship.

I have to mention that honestly I'm not in love with the second one, and I never wanted to cheat on my wife.

I can understand the idea popping up because you are aware that it is a moral option.
In my opinion marriage is best when you have ...
1 a common foundation of Christian faith,
2 compatibility with life goals ( for example raising a family, living in the country etc.) and
3 mutual attraction.

It may be that neither of you are expressing interest in each other, or even experiencing interest, because neither wants to damage the relationship you have with your wife, but if you really aren't interested in each other there really wouldn't be a point in dealing with the social and interpersonal challenges that accompany a plural marriage.

 

[FollowingHim]

Hi guys, I've been reading this forums for a few months, and I tought I could share my concern in here.
I've been in a relationship for 5+ years. We live together but we are not really married (altough I use to call her my wife). My mother-in-law lives with us.
We're both 28 years old, no children yet, and we're great partners.
We have, yet slowly, been learning about the Bible and trying to approach to God/YHWH.

My gut reaction is that you should first focus on God. I feel, from the way you are talking about your marriage and your relationship with God, that you and your wife have a lot of growing to do together in those areas, and should focus on that.

Polygamy is a major challenge, much more difficult than monogamy. I would not be jumping into that just because it's a possibility - especially if you aren't even attracted to the woman (if that's the case, why even consider it?).

On the other hand, it may well be that God is setting you up to have two wives, and if so this may happen very naturally - which would be the best way for it to happen. I don't think you need to push the idea. Focus on growing closer to God instead. If this second woman joins you in drawing closer to God, she may also draw closer to you at the same time, and this may just become the inevitable reality that all of you see as just the way things should be. And by that point you will all have the sound foundation in God that the ladies have both stressed is crucial for this to work.

On the other hand, if you try to push this idea clumsily yourself, you may destroy the great relationship you do have with her - and also with your mother-in-law. Many relationships have been destroyed over this.

So I'd just relax, try to follow God closer each day, and see where He takes you all.

 

[frederick]

We even joke they're my two wives, and we're sure there are some people who actually believes we're all engaged. My wife doesn't bother with the jokes or demonstrate jealousy, and the other girl doesn't seem to want to engage in a new relationship.

Hi, it sounds like you have a great situation with a relaxed relationship with this other girl in your home. However, you say this other girl doesn't seem to want to engage in a new relationship so I'm wondering why you would want to complicate the situation by raising the issue of having this girl as another wife? It would be better to allow the relationships between the three of you to grow and develop naturally and see what doors open over time.

Since she has come from an abusive relationship you will need to take care not to frighten her by coming across like you are controlling. Continue to be friends and be a godly example by loving your wife. Over time this other girl will see your love and may want to experience the same.

 

[The Revolting Man]

Hi guys, I've been reading this forums for a few months, and I tought I could share my concern in here.
I've been in a relationship for 5+ years. We live together but we are not really married (altough I use to call her my wife). My mother-in-law lives with us.
We're both 28 years old, no children yet, and we're great partners.
We have, yet slowly, been learning about the Bible and trying to approach to God/YHWH.


For 9 months now, a distant relative of my wife came to live with us. I already knew her, and we all supported her into breaking up from an abusive homossexual relationship she was in for 5 years. She and my wife are very close, and I also became friends with her. We 3 share many things together, we go out, we have fun at home. We did this things even before her breakup.
We even joke they're my two wives, and we're sure there are some people who actually believes we're all engaged. My wife doesn't bother with the jokes or demonstrate jealousy, and the other girl doesn't seem to want to engage in a new relationship.

So, this plural families thing came to my mind. My question is, if you could help: should I think about engaging with the second woman? Should I propose this to them, and get serious about this and learn and try to apply it on our lives? I have to mention that honestly I'm not in love with the second one, and I never wanted to cheat on my wife.
Thank you in advance, and sorry for my bad English.

Your relationship with your first woman is definitely a “marriage “. Ask her what she thinks about taking in a second woman. Her response will tell you all you need to know about whether or not you can make this work.

 

[NBTX11]

About poligamy in particular, me and my wife have studied the subject but never talked serious about this.

You need to. You both need to seriously study the subject, preferably together. Then, talk through everything on this topic. How you feel about it, how it would work, etc. My wife and I studied and talked about polygamy for 6 months before we were both ready to move forward on it.

And has been said, you're married.

 

[NBTX11]

Ask her what she thinks about taking in a second woman. Her response will tell you all you need to know about whether or not you can make this work.

Not necessarily. Women can slowly come around to plural marriage. At first she may be adamantly against it, however with prayer, Bible study, and talking it through can come to a place of total acceptance. This is what happened with me and my wife.

 

[The Revolting Man]

Not necessarily. Women can slowly come around to plural marriage. At first she may be adamantly against it, however with prayer, Bible study, and talking it through can come to a place of total acceptance. This is what happened with me and my wife.

In this case it’s a valid approach.

 

[NBTX11]

I can understand the idea popping up because you are aware that it is a moral option.
In my opinion marriage is best when you have ...
1 a common foundation of Christian faith,
2 compatibility with life goals ( for example raising a family, living in the country etc.) and
3 mutual attraction.

It may be that neither of you are expressing interest in each other, or even experiencing interest, because neither wants to damage the relationship you have with your wife, but if you really aren't interested in each other there really wouldn't be a point in dealing with the social and interpersonal challenges that accompany a plural marriage.

Super important. You may have everything in common but if there's no attraction, don't try to force something that isn't there.

 

[bfoster]

Thank you for the comments.
I have to say that I'm not going to force or push this situation, I'm just trying to understand if this is a good idea, considering our current status. Sometimes it seems that the only major thing that keep us 2 not being a couple is physical contact. Nat (that's the name of the 2nd girl) is very interesting to me, tough I may have demonstrate the opposite. What I was trying to say is that I'm not having this toughts just because I'm aroused for having another woman in the house; it's rather that we already have a good relationship that could possibly grow to something else. However, I will follow the advices of seeking God and improve my current relationship first, before I get really serious about having a 2nd one.

 

[bfoster]

However, I will follow the advices of seeking God

The correct word is "anyway", not "however"

 

[NBTX11]

Thank you for the comments.
I have to say that I'm not going to force or push this situation, I'm just trying to understand if this is a good idea, considering our current status. Sometimes it seems that the only major thing that keep us 2 not being a couple is physical contact. Nat (that's the name of the 2nd girl) is very interesting to me, tough I may have demonstrate the opposite. What I was trying to say is that I'm not having this toughts just because I'm aroused for having another woman in the house; it's rather that we already have a good relationship that could possibly grow to something else. However, I will follow the advices of seeking God and improve my current relationship first, before I get really serious about having a 2nd one.

Don't rush anything. I did that once and it completely backfired on me.

 

[The Revolting Man]

The correct word is "anyway", not "however"

Both work in this context.

 

[Bina]

Hi guys, I've been reading this forums for a few months, and I tought I could share my concern in here.
I've been in a relationship for 5+ years. We live together but we are not really married (altough I use to call her my wife). My mother-in-law lives with us.
We're both 28 years old, no children yet, and we're great partners.
We have, yet slowly, been learning about the Bible and trying to approach to God/YHWH

For 9 months now, a distant relative of my wife came to live with us. I already knew her, and we all supported her into breaking up from an abusive homossexual relationship she was in for 5 years. She and my wife are very close, and I also became friends with her. We 3 share many things together, we go out, we have fun at home. We did this things even before her breakup.
We even joke they're my two wives, and we're sure there are some people who actually believes we're all engaged. My wife doesn't bother with the jokes or demonstrate jealousy, and the other girl doesn't seem to want to engage in a new relationship.

So, this plural families thing came to my mind. My question is, if you could help: should I think about engaging with the second woman? Should I propose this to them, and get serious about this and learn and try to apply it on our lives? I have to mention that honestly I'm not in love with the second one, and I never wanted to cheat on my wife.
Thank you in advance, and sorry for my bad English.

abusive homosexual relationship......Healing, purging and learning of The Fathers word is first needed here for restoration of this sister, and that takes time.

 

[Edward]

I am just now seeing this, and have read some of the comments just not all of them yet, so here are some of my $0.02

There is no need to jump into polygyny just because it's ok. Do not rush it. Take it super slow. Do not think you have to marry this other woman just because you're helping her and it would seem to fit.

/|\ Sound advice /|\

marriage is best when you have ...
1 a common foundation of Christian faith,

Yes, be a wise man and build YOUR house upon the ROCK Yahshua (Jesus) that way you are NOT the foolish man and watch it all fall.

Matthew 7:24-27 Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:
25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.
26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:
27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.

I feel, from the way you are talking about your marriage and your relationship with God, that you and your wife have a lot of growing to do together in those areas, and should focus on that.

Yes, reread the above verse again.

On the other hand, it may well be that God is setting you up to have two wives, and if so this may happen very naturally - which would be the best way for it to happen.

Yes, if it YaHWeH's ( the LORD's) will let HIM be the match maker.

So I'd just relax, try to follow God closer each day, and see where He takes you all.

Yes,
Matthew 6:33-34 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;...

be a godly example by loving your wife. Over time this other girl will see your love and may want to experience the same.

Yes, be the example to your wife that Yahshua was/is to us, and let the other woman SEE it not just hear it.

Ask her what she thinks about taking in a second woman. Her response will tell you all you need to know about whether or not you can make this work.

I agree and disagree. If you have a strong marriage then yes, if you don't have a strong marriage then I would wait.

My wife and I studied and talked about polygamy for 6 months before we were both ready to move forward on it.

 

[Edward]

My wife and I studied and talked about polygamy for 6 months before we were both ready to move forward on it

It was 6 years for us and then in 2019 we went to our first retreat and back then we had our 27th anniversary, this year 31 years and going STRONG!! @bfoster I say all of this to say TAKE YOUR TIME, some are fast and some are slow.

 

[bfoster]

abusive homosexual relationship......Healing, purging and learning of The Fathers word is first needed here for restoration of this sister, and that takes time.

That part of her past isn't a big deal to deal with, she's fine about it. But, she has some personal issues that I will need to deal with before (and during) a possible marriage. Stubbornness is the biggest one. Unfortunately, our Bible study didn't work out as I intended, as she started getting her license and this interfered with our study schedules (but I continued with my wife).