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Support Wife doesn't want a sisterwife

JPR

JPR

Member
My head is super foggy today, I'm having troubles finding the correct words and some troubles comprehending what I'm reading so bare with me if something doesn't make a ton of sense here plus I have about 15+ years of this with my wife that I'm going to try to summarize here.

So I have been on the poly data sites for about a month now and my wife is comfortable with that and we were comfortable looking together but with the small arguments/discussions we've had I don't really feel comfortable sharing with her any discussions I've had or will have. Plus most of them except 1 has been pretty much just one way. I've gotten a couple replies once but then as women do I just get ghosted, which is fine. I'd rather be ghosted than led on but the bottom line is I don't feel comfortable discussing the poly stuff with her anymore because we always come back to the same thing, "This is not the life style I saw for myself", "I feel like I have to break who I am to live this life style", "I feel like in the bible women are a little better than slaves".

While I see the pros potentially outweighing the cons she sees the cons outweighing the pros.
She doesn't like the idea of me potentially sleeping with someone else.
She doesn't like the idea of me potentially having more children (if it even happens, I am indifferent on having more children), she looks forward to grandchildren and a quiet home while I love the idea of the extra community, the extra companionship, not just for me but for her and somehow I've managed to make her think she's less than she is, I can't ever seem to find the right words to make her feel better.
I've gotten to a point where I'm thinking of just leaving the poly stuff by the wayside and if someone comes along one day then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I did ask her if she wanted to join this community and talk with other women and her reply was, "To what? Change my mind?"

While she says she's onboard and will follow where I lead, good or bad I always get the apposing message and then if I push I get the, "we're barely better than slaves" and frankly I think in some ways marriage counseling would be good but where are you going to find a councilor that at least has a neutral view or even a proper biblical view? Not to mention I have serious trust issues, everyone has a agenda and we've had people try to break us up at least 3 times, direct attacks on my marriage. None worked obviously but it leave a scar of which keeps me from trusting ANYONE with my wife, my family, my relationship with my wife.

I see trying to continue to go down this polygyny road as a potential fracture or wedge in our relationship of which can be exploited to drive us apart, though we are stubborn and are driven to stick together, it's still a potential vulnerability.

And while I may have the heart for that kind of life style it may not be what God wants for me or my family or maybe I'm not being patient or I may not be doing something correctly, both could be very true.

Really I don't know what else to do or what else to put here.
 
Hi @JPR, sit down a moment, take a deep breath, and look at the situation Almighty God has blessed you with. Just ponder a while where you are with your wife and where you want to go. Is anyone holding a gun to your head and saying, here is a woman you have to take as a wife right now? If they are, is their finger even on the trigger? If there is no one and no gun, chill out and don't get stressed. Take all the time God has given you to accomplish His will for you and your family. Shalom
 
This is a pretty common response for many first wives. It is a HUGE process mentally and emotionally for us. So, many plans and expectations have to be put to the side as we try to understand this crazy new thing our husband has come to embrace. Your leading and teaching on it is vital for any change to come about. It will take patience, perseverance and intention on your part to keep at it day to day, month to month, and possibly year to year. I believe most men on this Forum would say, "Start being more of a Patriarch in your home is the first step." Do you overlook disrespect too often from her? Do you wish she honored you in some way that she presently doesn't? My point is, that without a true understanding of the placement of authority in marriage, and the benefits and purpose of it, then she will never truly understand the reason for a man to take another wife. I would encourage you to watch @PeteR videos on this topic together and then discuss them. Understanding where she truly is about this topic will tell you where your starting point for teaching her will be.

Unfortunately, it really is up to her to want to learn from you and from the Scriptures. This is the part that takes patience, time and LOTS of prayer (which I am sure you understand). The Most High is the only one who can challenge her spirit in a way that you can't. Pray she has the "ears" to hear Him as he speaks to her. Pray for the tearing down of Idols in her heart, preceded by the understanding that they are there. I suspect your wife is a very smart and capable woman and in the long run that will be a great asset to you, but those things have to be cultivated in the mission field of your purpose for your household, not for her purposes. (If you don't know what your mission is then you might want to spend some time asking the Most High what that is.)

As @frederick said, take a breath and wait for the Spirits direction. You don't have a deadline to meet. It is a marathon not a sprint. :) Our prayers are with you both.
 
Time, time and patience... and a steady hand. Love and lead her gently day by day.

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7 | ESV

Remember that it would be very hard for you to follow someone who seemed confused, and it’s the same for her. You have to figure out where you are going before you can lead her there. Be patient, be loving and kind, and then lead her where God leads you.

Here is a little analogy that might be a helpful reminder to be patient. If you ever learn to sail a boat you will quickly discover that sailing into the wind is difficult. If you need to go do North and you have a strong northerly wind you cannot sail straight into it. The best you can do is sail as far into the wind, going East and West, as possible without stalling. With each tack you will gain a little ground and eventually you will get to your destination. But you have to know where you’re going, keep a steady hand on the tiller, and be patient. You’ll get there eventually.
 
I've been at this for over 15 years. My patience is wearing VERY thin. I'm at the point of just telling her to do whatever she wants when she asks a question and frankly just giving up on this truth and IF by chance this ever ends in a split, which I don't really see happening, but IF, then just staying single. And yea, that probably sounds like a pitty party but that is how I feel and I likely just need to finish up what I'm doing and just go to bed and start again tomorrow.
 
She needs you to be her rock, don’t let her down.

I’m not talking about being a rock about polygyny, I’m talking about being strength and stability for her. She is wearing you down, but she needs you to not wear down.

She is your daughter’s rock, she needs you to be hers.
 
Why is pursuing polygyny so important to you @JPR?

Look, we all agree it's permissible, even good. But that doesn't mean it's a requirement, it doesn't even mean it has to be a primary goal of our lives. God has given you one wife, one who is committed enough to stick with you for many years. Are you not able to be content with what He has given you? Until such a time as He chooses to give you more, if he ever does?
 
JPR said:
What are you taking about? A rock how?
Regarding polygyny I just give up!
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I think @steve is referring to being steadfast in your role as husband and leader in your marriage and home. You know the truth concerning biblical marriage and you are to stand rock solid in the truth. The Lord Jesus Christ is the Rock on which our salvation and our sanctification is anchored. Don't waver in regard to the truth because you are representing Him.
 
I can feel your pain. I've not been at it nearly as long but have gone through the excitement of adding a wife now several times with each time building a wall between my wife and the idea. I have led her to understand the biblical position and she's even been to the point of being excited about the prospect and talking to a friend of hers and even gotten close to a few ladies from the dating sites. Unfortunately one lady led us both on to the point she was coming to visit us and then ended up being fake or a player. That emotional tole on her has placed her heart to not be interested in that lifestyle. I felt it was a good training exercise to have us talk through many concepts and really begin to be more realistic about the prospect.

Our journey today is similar to yours in that we're off the dating sites and just waiting to see whom God puts in our lives. It's tough putting that trust in a potential random encounter but if it's His will then it won't be random but directed and we will know it's His will. My recommendation, though not easy is be patient and love who He gave you and continue in his word. Keep your eyes open and enjoy the journey.
 
JPR said:
My head is super foggy today, I'm having troubles finding the correct words and some troubles comprehending what I'm reading so bare with me if something doesn't make a ton of sense here plus I have about 15+ years of this with my wife that I'm going to try to summarize here.

So I have been on the poly data sites for about a month now and my wife is comfortable with that and we were comfortable looking together but with the small arguments/discussions we've had I don't really feel comfortable sharing with her any discussions I've had or will have. Plus most of them except 1 has been pretty much just one way. I've gotten a couple replies once but then as women do I just get ghosted, which is fine. I'd rather be ghosted than led on but the bottom line is I don't feel comfortable discussing the poly stuff with her anymore because we always come back to the same thing, "This is not the life style I saw for myself", "I feel like I have to break who I am to live this life style", "I feel like in the bible women are a little better than slaves".

While I see the pros potentially outweighing the cons she sees the cons outweighing the pros.
She doesn't like the idea of me potentially sleeping with someone else.
She doesn't like the idea of me potentially having more children (if it even happens, I am indifferent on having more children), she looks forward to grandchildren and a quiet home while I love the idea of the extra community, the extra companionship, not just for me but for her and somehow I've managed to make her think she's less than she is, I can't ever seem to find the right words to make her feel better.
I've gotten to a point where I'm thinking of just leaving the poly stuff by the wayside and if someone comes along one day then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I did ask her if she wanted to join this community and talk with other women and her reply was, "To what? Change my mind?"

While she says she's onboard and will follow where I lead, good or bad I always get the apposing message and then if I push I get the, "we're barely better than slaves" and frankly I think in some ways marriage counseling would be good but where are you going to find a councilor that at least has a neutral view or even a proper biblical view? Not to mention I have serious trust issues, everyone has a agenda and we've had people try to break us up at least 3 times, direct attacks on my marriage. None worked obviously but it leave a scar of which keeps me from trusting ANYONE with my wife, my family, my relationship with my wife.

I see trying to continue to go down this polygyny road as a potential fracture or wedge in our relationship of which can be exploited to drive us apart, though we are stubborn and are driven to stick together, it's still a potential vulnerability.

And while I may have the heart for that kind of life style it may not be what God wants for me or my family or maybe I'm not being patient or I may not be doing something correctly, both could be very true.

Really I don't know what else to do or what else to put here.
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The truth is that most men will never be polygynous. It’s only the highest status men who pull it off or those rare cases when God takes a direct hand. And only rarely is the main impediment of he first wife. The main impediment is usually finding the second.

Slow down. There’s no need to panic until you actually have a potential. Be a river, steady and unyielding but calm and placid, at least on the surface.
 
JPR said:
I've been at this for over 15 years. My patience is wearing VERY thin. I'm at the point of just telling her to do whatever she wants when she asks a question and frankly just giving up on this truth and IF by chance this ever ends in a split, which I don't really see happening, but IF, then just staying single. And yea, that probably sounds like a pitty party but that is how I feel and I likely just need to finish up what I'm doing and just go to bed and start again tomorrow.
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Are you so eager to have another woman that you are willing to risk ending your current marriage? How would this fit into POLY-gyny? And if she accepts it against her will, it could make her life miserable. I understand you, but I believe that it will still take more time for your woman to "feel" that YOU are ready for this. Stand strong in YHWH.
 
Your wife is not on board yet, and if I were you, I would slow down the process for awhile. Yes you can do what you want, but is it worth it ramming this through right now? Women don’t get on board with this overnight. My first wife took a very long time and to this day has things pop up in her mind. Don’t lose your wife by cramming it through at all costs. If she’s ready get her more involved in the process such as helping vet and talk to the woman. That might help her. Especially if she sees the other woman as a threat.
 
One other point. We are not in your home. I get the point of patience wearing thin. You’re gonna have to decide for yourself whether it’s worth it to you to ram through another wife at the expense of your first wife. We can’t answer that we can only advise that it’s wise to not do that. Yes, you have the ability to do that but at what cost.
 
JPR said:
And yea, that probably sounds like a pitty party but that is how I feel and I likely just need to finish up what I'm doing and just go to bed and start again tomorrow.
Click to expand...
I remember learning at a point in my growing up when NOT to think about life. When tired it is easy to start thinking negatively, but that can set you up for a cycle of depressing yourself. I remember when I finally caught on to that....and when I'd feel myself slipping down that way I'd tell myself I just need sleep. The next day life is much more do-able.

On the poly subject, I was keen on the idea, and my husband was open to it, but seemed less interested or even not interested in trying to meet someone else. Many times over the years I felt like giving up, or wondered what the point was? Why would God let or cause me to be interested and even want that, if it was never going to happen?? But after 20 years, it did. And it was easy, and we were all sure. And I still (after only a year and a half) feel very blessed.

So don't lose hope, but trust that His timing is good, and of course His memory is flawless, and if you can?... enjoy the journey!

Also the more deliberate you can be about leading your wife....and looking to strengthen her confidence in your leadership....the better. If a horse balks, it's a lack of authority, or a lack of trust. With horses you set up situations that get them in the habit of following your lead.
 
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I deleted my earlier start at a response. But I'm back to offer a short response.


@The Revolting Man gave a great analogy that really helped me a couple years ago. Be a river.

I'm fond of referring to animal training to communicate leadership. Because a lot of people erroneously believe leadership is "telling people what to do". That is not leadership.

You need to train your wife to trust your leadership the exact same way you would train any other animal to trust and follow your leadership. With calm, careful, unemotional consistency. You must set up situations that reinforce the fact you are trustworthy and do so repeatedly. I go into this a lot in a thread I started a while back. I think you'd be well advised to read it.

Meat - Authority vs. Power

There seems to be a slight disconnect in many people's minds or perhaps a lack of realization. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. Similarly, just because you have authority from God to do something, doesn't mean you can do it. You "may" do it but practical concerns may...
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JPR said:
I've been at this for over 15 years. My patience is wearing VERY thin. I'm at the point of just telling her to do whatever she wants when she asks a question and frankly just giving up on this truth and IF by chance this ever ends in a split, which I don't really see happening, but IF, then just staying single. And yea, that probably sounds like a pitty party but that is how I feel and I likely just need to finish up what I'm doing and just go to bed and start again tomorrow.
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I understand being frustrated and at your wits end... But man to man... This kind of attitude is what you need to pick up, set inside a box, observe it, acknowledge the emotions, and set them aside to do the work of being a man and not allowing your emotions to rule and dictate what you do and how you conduct your affairs. By all means, feel that emotion, soak in it while on a walk or run. Then choose to take control, master your emotions, and do not let those emotions dictate how you act.

A man feels fear but acts contrary to that fear, and we call him courageous. He feels fed up with his work and tired of the mind numbing emotionally exhausting soul sucking work of the week, and he puts that aside to do his job and provide for his family. We call that man diligent and a good provider. His wife disrespects him with her emotional outburst, he feels anger and suppresses that emotion, mastering it and controlling himself. We call that kind of person a man. It is a weak boy who lashes out with his emotions of fear and frustration. Don't get me wrong, I have my failings and I break my composure just like any man. I'm not saying I'm perfect. But we call each other on to greatness by not ignoring these issues, but pointing them out and saying "get up, keep going, take control, push on, don't ring that bell". Your wife needs you to be a solid rock she can beat against and it not crumble. No crumbling man will have a singular marriage for long at least not a patriarchal one, and DEFINITELY won't be able to handle two or more women at the same time.

You won't be ready for a second woman until you are squared away with your first. She must trust you so much that despite her fears and reservations, she will follow you and assist you with securing the trust of a second woman. If you don't have the trust and submission of your first, there's no point in forcing the issue as you've not mastered having one.

Be faithful with the small things before you expect to be entrusted with greater things.
Be faithful with your first wife before you expect to be entrusted with the heart of a second woman.
 
JPR said:
Really I don't know what else to do or what else to put here.
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My husband's first wife was Shari. They both grew up in poly families and poly was always present in their lives. They got married in 1987 and had three girls together. In 2005/2006 they took in their first plural, Christie. It was a serious adjustment for both Steve and Shari and both of them had grown up in poly.

My point is that even when she knows all about poly and has lived it, the reality of poly can still be a challenge for a first wife.

Shari eventually divorced Steve and moved away. Poly just wasn't her thing and to a great degree I don't think she was well suited to being married, let alone being in a poly marriage.

I say all of this not to discourage you but just to add more to the conversation. There just isn't a right or wrong way for any one couple to do or not do this life. You have to find your own way but at the same time making sure that your first priority is the woman you married and not the woman you might marry.
 
I think I posted a abbreviation in my last post, looks like someone took it out, thanks, I was a bit livid yesterday.

Why is polygyny so important to me? For me it was a truth (among many) that were contrary to what we have been taught all our lives but technically it's not important because frankly I doubt we'll find anyone and if we do, great, I'll figure it out, if we don't that is fine too. It is more important to me that my wife is on the same page I am and not against me.
Like the rest of us she was raised it is wrong and it's taken 15+ years to get her to where she is, I'm just getting tired of the fight I guess.
And yes, I am content with what I have, very content. Frankly I think she's a wonderful woman, more than I expected and very much appreciated!

Regarding being a rock, I understand, he said to be a rock, but a rock in what? Being a rock in the truth isn't a problem. At my core I have to seek truth. If that truth comes into question I have to seek clarity. I've always sought truth, I can not just give it up. It is a core value.

@Children of God Thanks for that, I guess sometimes we feel alone but in reality we are not. I hope you find yours if that is God's will!

@The Revolting Man yea, I try to make it a point to be calm but sometimes I just want to go boxing! It's like a day of bad weather and the constant fight on the specific topic is exhausting. In some ways I hope no one comes along and we don't take a second, life is just simpler that way, but I understand, calm and smooth, let God know the rest.

@NBTX11 I don't know that she sees other women as a threat anymore. We've been through a fair amount and she knows where I stand and while in the past she felt as if I was hitting her over the head with the topic I don't think she feels that way anymore. In the past, at least for me, it was exciting news, for her it was nails on a chalkboard. At this point, at least after 15+ years she's at least accepted that it's not a sin though not required (except in some circumstances) and I have asked her to join the group so she can talk with other women and her reply was, "What, so they can convince me it is right?!?", or something like that. So I think she still has a battle going on, though it MAY be getting better.
Currently I have no prospects, so RAMMING one through is not going to happen nor is it a option. Last thing I want or need is more strife. Could I? Sure! is it wise? I think not.

@Joleneakamama Good advice, thank you. Yesterday I vented a bit and basically told her multiple times, "Fine... If you don't like what I have to say, do whatever you want. You want to do this, that or the other thing, fine, do whatever you want!" Maybe it was unintentional reverse psychology, I don't know but it was my way of saying, "fine you want to lead, have fun, it's not as fun at times as you girls think it is", and I did say that last part too. Society has made our women think that they are little and need to compete with men, I see it in my own house and I compete with this mentality too and it is difficult to get them to realize that they are not little, they are great and should be cherished and even if you do get them to realize this society pounds it back into them that they need to compete with men instead of working with men.

@NickF Extremely valid points, most the time I think I'm successful in these areas but frankly there is always room for improvement and growth, yesterday may potentially be a prime example though it may have been needed to show everyone in my house I have feeling too and you can push me only so much before I pop.
Granted, most the time my house is extremely respectful of my us and others.
Thank you for your words of wisdom and I will read that article.

@MaganC Yep, this I do already understand though it makes me think back to a couple comments she's made that were potentially warnings that I didn't acknowledge at the time. Thank you for that.

I think with all this I need to get my chores and work done for the day and have some sitting quiet time with God and ponder more on where I can improve, changes I need to make and then have a more constructive conversation with my wife.
Thank you everyone for your input. I think yesterday things finally just came to a head for me. I tried going to bed earlier but my mind was racing something fierce. I was very angry though I'm not sure exactly what I was more angry about, maybe multiple things, but I was for sure emotionally drained last night.
I don't like strife and I don't like division and I struggle with, "Let's agree to disagree".

Thank you everyone for your input, it is very much appreciated!
 
JPR said:
Regarding being a rock, I understand, he said to be a rock, but a rock in what?
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JPR said:
My patience is wearing VERY thin. I'm at the point of just telling her to do whatever she wants when she asks a question and frankly just giving up on this truth and IF by chance this ever ends in a split, which I don't really see happening, but IF, then just staying single.
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Your disagreement about poly doesn’t define your relationship, you have much more going on than that.
But you sound ready to give up, you already stated what your choice will be if the the marriage fails.
That’s not what leadership looks like. That doesn’t give her the security that you are there for her when she is struggling. She needs you to be rock solid about your relationship, with poly being a peripheral thing that you both are dealing with.

The way that I dealt with it was positive statements: “I know that this is something that you have been taught against for your whole life, but at some point you will see that this is Yah’s way of making sure that all women have husbands. Don’t worry about it, I know that you want what His plan is for our lives. Clarity will come at some point.”
Statements like that.
You are making it too much of an either/or thing. Possibly the reason that it has taken so long is that you are giving her something to fight against?
Defuse it and be the stability that she needs right now. Don’t let your marriage be devalued at this point.
 
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